Category: gender

The fire chief pulls up to the fire and asks the seargent “how’s it going”? The sarg says “well chief, there’s two guy’s still inside that we can’t find”.The chief grabs a mask and runs inside. He’s looking all through the building. He opens a door in the back and there’s one of the firemen fucking the other fireman, who’s passed out, in the ass. “Hey” the chief yell’s “you are supposed to be giving that guy mouth to mouth”. the fireman looks at him and says “how do you think this got started”?

This is actually true!

There was a little boy and his mom was pregnant. The mom kept
getting fatter and fatter until finally the little boy asked
what was wrong with her belly. She sat the little boy down and
asked him if he remembered that they were having a baby? He said
yes. She explained that the baby was inside of her and thats
why she was growing bigger. The boy, looking confused, waits
for a second and as his mom is about to leave the room, he calls
her back. “Mom”, he asks, “You have a baby in your belly, thats
why its getting bigger… so do you have a baby in your butt
too?”

How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.

She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

“What are you doing?” asked the mom.

“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.”

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

“For Christsakes, what are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

God created the mule, and told him, “You will be mule, working constantly
from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass
and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20.” And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the
dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat
his table scraps and live for 30 years.”

And the dog responded, “Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years.” And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years.”

And the monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.” And it
was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years.”

And the man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.” And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Q.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?

They are cute, they are sweet, and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they
take your house and car with them.

Dumb Dave: “Oh man, this match just won’t light.”

Steve: “Well, whats the matter with it?”

Dumb Dave: “I don’t know, it lit just a minute ago!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Two kids in a tree house both pull down there pants both
opposite sex each ask what each other what there genitals are
but none of them know so that night each of the chidern asked
there parents what they had the boy asked his mom ,his mom said
ow that is the pink limosine when you grow up one day you will
park in the black cave.

At the girls house the same thing was going on but she asked
her dad she said dad I was wonddering whats between my crouch
her dad said exitedly thats your black cave when your older the
pink limosine will park in you.

So the next day they went back to the treehouse and they
both pulled down there pants again and told each other what they
had when the girl came home all bloody later her mom ask what
happened she said well it goes like this a pink limosine tried
to park in me so I tore off its back wheels.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving – call 1-800-***-****.”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING – (the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men’s restroom):

Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it won’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seatcovers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less-than-perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys! in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her…look, it won’t bend. She said, “so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”. Well it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn’t have been a problem!!!