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A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.
“You’re getting hair on your twinkie,” the barber playfully warns.
“Yes, I know,” replies the girl. “And I’m getting boobs, too.”
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
This one girl was going to go on her first date, she was so excited that she called her grandma up to tell her the news. Grandma tells the girl when you go on your date the man is going to want to hold your hand and you will like this but don’t let him do it.Then the man is going to touch your leg you’ll like that too but don’t let him do it,then the man is going to try and get on top of you and you’ll like that but don’t let him do it you’ll disgrace the family. So the girl listened and promised her grandma she would not do ant of those things.The next day the girl called and told her grandma, “Grandma I did not let him do any of the things you told me about, so when he tried to get on top of me I got on top of him instead and disgraced his family.
A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says ‘honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn’t have to wear a bra quite as much.’
She was furious and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the week.
The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says ‘honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn’t have to wear a girdle quite as much.
Well she was furious.
Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says ‘you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn’t have to see your brother quite as much!!!”
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They’re married.
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.
Q: Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don’t have any.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they’re all over you.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.
Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with “their” woman….and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.
Q: What about the man who saw the sign “Drink Canada Dry”?
A: He moved there.
Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.
Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows – we’ve never seen it done!
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He’s breathing
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?
Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.
Q: If men got pregnant….
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.
Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.
Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
Q: What can a bird do that a man can’t?
A: Whistle through its pecker!
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won’t stop to ask directions!
Q: Why don’t women have men’s brains?
A: Because they don’t have penises to keep them in!
Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They’re usually intended for the children, but it’s the husbands who end up playing with them!
Q: What do you have when you’ve got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man’s undivided attention.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.
Take notes, all you Casanovas…
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is the worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVISE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
at every wedding i goto all my aunts poke me in the ribs and say “YOUR NEXT””. so whenever i gotto there funiral i poke them in the ribs and say “” YOUR NEXT””
“
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
A woman walked up to a little old man who was rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look, she said, what’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said, I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!”
“That’s amazing, how old are you?” she asked.
He thought for a moment, and replied, “Twenty-six.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:
1.) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem…kick their ass.
2.) When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest…kick their ass.
3.) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4.) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU’s), telling others that you used to be “Special Forces,” and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
Personal Note: I ran into a FEW of these Guys and they really piss me off!
5.) If you witness someone calling an enlisted “Sir,” stand back…a Marine will kick their ass.
6.) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, “Do you fly a jet?” Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kickin’ (children are exempt).
7.) Roseanne Barr’s singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper…it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
8.) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her…… of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.
9.) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is “traitor.” Just mention her nomination for “Woman of the Year” and get your ass kicked.
10.) Don’t try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn’t know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those “representatives” meet. All we know is that when those civilian Representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
11.) “Your mama wears combat boots” never made sense to me…stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!
12.) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying “Let’s go kill those Commie’s!!!” And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me…if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass.
13.) Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. It could get your ass kicked.
14.) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.