Category: gender

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it’s very nice – I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….

Day 11.

I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous …

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry”, thing again, I’ll kill the *******.

Day 14.

I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I’ll have to kill him. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f… himself and he did.

Day 16.

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference… Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18.

He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new
Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

MEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: MAN

ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs

SYMBOL: EGO

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.

OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as “singles bars”. Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1) Surface often covered with hair–bristly in some areas, soft in others.

2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.

3) Melts if treated like a God.

4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.

5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.

6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman’s skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.

2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.

3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.

4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.

5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.

6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.

7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.

8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

9) Is impervious to embarrassment.

10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him “Oh is your girl named Wendy too?”

The Jamaican replied, “No, Mon that says, ‘Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'”.

Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

A: Because they’re a bunch of pigs!

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf.

The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.

Amazed, the friend says, �Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?�

�Somersaults,� the man says.

�Somersaults?� the friend asks. �That�s incredible. How many does he do?�

�It all depends on how hard I kick him.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no
arms and no legs laying by the shoreline. While he began to walk past her she
called him over..”Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec.” “ok , what
do you want”he said. “Well as you can see why, I’ve never been kissed before
do you think you can kiss me”she said. “Well alright, I guess” he replied.
After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him
over..”Excuse me sir but do you think you can come here again” “What is it
now!…”he said as he walked near her again. “Well as you can see why, I’ve
never been fucked before..Do you think you can fuck me?”. she said. The man
replied “Sure!”. He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said “Your
fucked Now!!!”

Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn’t breed.

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties.

Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.

“You’re getting hair on your twinkie,” the barber playfully warns.

“Yes, I know,” replies the girl. “And I’m getting boobs, too.”