Q. Why can’t you trust women?
A. How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
Category: gender
Men’s Rude Awakening
The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things:
God is a woman…and she nailed down all of Heaven’s toilet seats!
Q. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene…
Q. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
A. That’s what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
Perfumes
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No.5, $200 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts, and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Dial 9
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.
Back at the hotel he rings the number.
A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, “I’d like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?”
The lady says, “I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Good trade
A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by yisman
Golf challenge
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ���rt��
Why Women Live Longer
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
Hair on your twinkie
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.”You’re getting hair on your twinkie,” the barber playfully warns. “Yes, I know,” replies the girl. “And I’m getting boobs, too.”
You Can’t Send Women To The Hardware Store
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store….Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on acustomer.When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.Joe Bob replied, That’s silver and it costs $100! My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her tobuy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, Mary Louise, you wanna screw forthat hinge? To which Mary Louise replied, No, but I will for the teapot.
Tounge twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.He says to him, ‘Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?’So the guy tells him ‘Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, “I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh,” I said, “I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh.””She socked me one.’The first guy responded, ‘Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,” But I accidentally said, “You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.”’
How to talk about men and still be politically…
How to talk about men and still be politically correct
1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
8. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
9. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
10. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
11. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
12. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
13. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
14. He doesn’t have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
15. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED