Category: gender

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
“If this car was a woman, she’d get pinched in the butt.”

Underneath which a graffiti read:
“If this woman was a car, she’d run you over.”

Can’t we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body
touch mine, again.

I just need some space
…without you in it.

Can you help me with my homework?
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven’t had a fight in a whlile.

No, pizza’s fine.
Cheap bastard.

I just don’t want a boyfriend now
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I don’t know; what do you want?
I can’t believe you don’t have anything planned.

Come here
My puppy does this too.

I like you but…
I don’t like you.

You never listen.
You never listen.

We’re moving too quickly
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the
convertible has a g/f.

I’ll be ready in a minute.
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself.
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

Oh Yes! Right there.
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I’m just going out with the girls.
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

There’s no one else.
I am doing your brother.

Size doesn’t count…
…unless I want an orgasm.

You are so nice!
You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.

Do you love me?
Do you love me more than my husband?

Oh, these flowers are beautiful.
Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?

What did you do today?
You better have a damn good reason for not calling.

We should pick it out together.
I’ll choose.

Pick Up Lines That May Get you Killed

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed
bag.

3. If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your
face.

6. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go
fuck.

7. Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!

8. If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

9. You remind me of a Championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount
you or eat you!

10. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

11. Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside?

12. I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I=3D 69?

13. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open,
and I’ll put my head in

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day long.

Bond. James Bond.

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her.

Can I buy you a car?

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Can I flirt with you?

Can I have directions to your heart?

Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.

Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how’d you like them apples?

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

Do you take it up the ass?

Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don’t you like pizza?

Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let’s play gynecologist.

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they’re mine.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go screw

Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?

Screw me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy?

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.

Want to screw like bunnies?

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.

Woman’s Quote of the Day:

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with”

Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:

“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

Grow your own dope….
Plant a man

Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: They can’t sing, they can’t dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?

The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man.
That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” the woman continued, “and look at this,
here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

How is a man and a sports car alike?

Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Q. What’s the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?
A. Mikey! – He’ll eat anything.

Instructions for the guys:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit “CANCEL”
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

The party of the first part (herein referred to as “she”), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as “him”):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the “first date”), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the “matchmaker”) blameless in the event that the “fix-up” turns out to be a “real loser” or “psycho bitch”. (For definition of “real loser”, see “John DeLorean: My Story”, available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in “Penthouse”. For definition of “psycho bitch,” see Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct” or Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”)

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said “dating”: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are “going out”. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are “seeing somebody” and may be referred to by third parties as “an item”. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms “girl/boyfriend” or “lover” and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as “a couple”. Under no circumstances are the phrases “my better half,” “the little woman,” “the old ball and chain,” or “my old man/lady” acceptable.

Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party “gets too serious” and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of “moving too fast” and may once again be said to be “on the market.”

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other’s whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; “rights” or “holds” on the other’s time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be “missing in action” the “wounded party” agrees to “give up”.

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other’s work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no “running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend”, and both parties agree to strike the phrase “but he/she needs me” from their vocabularies.

Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside-“he” will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, “this is ridiculous, you pay!”

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the “Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?” codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.

Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to “pick up after himself” while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties.By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment “a mess”.

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like “Let’s move in together,” “Why don’t we start a family?” and using archaic terminology-“Let’s get married.”

9. THE “L” WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase “I love you.” They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.

Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the “G” word … “Gone.”

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds or immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence “My ex used to do that same ****”