Category: gender

What are a woman’s four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine

Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement…. after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do,we have the camel.” The Captain said “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain’s quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
A. (Scream) IT JUST DOES!!

Three blondes are walking on the beach and find genie lamp.

The Genie says “look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each!

The 1st blonde says “Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter”… POOF!!!

She is a REDHEAD!

The 2nd blonde says “Genie,… I think I would like to be a little smarter still!”…POOF!!!

She is a BRUNETTE!

3rd blonde says “Genie… I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,…and jewels… I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!”…POOF!!!

She is a MAN!!

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.

After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named….Mr. Potato Head.

He’s tan. He’s cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

‘Singles’ bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a `good catch’ simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.

Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: `I’m sorry,’ `I love you,’ `Sure we can talk. Is now okay?’

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.

Road rage would turn in on oneself.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

Men would divide up chores with women so WOMEN could be horny.

TV news segments on sport would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date 19-year-olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take six weeks paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year-old for six weeks.

“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsCommitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewiseContagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the
mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the
woman yells out – “Pig!”. The man then yells back – “Hoe!” They both
continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the “woo, woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower)

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go “Yeah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
“If this car was a woman, she’d get pinched in the butt.”

Underneath which a graffiti read:
“If this woman was a car, she’d run you over.”