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An English Professor wrote the words, “woman without her man is a savage” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is a savage.”
The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is a savage.”
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
Q:What are the three words you DON’T want to hear when having sex?
A:”Honey I’m home!”
Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing…
1. Don’t call, ever.
2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. lie.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here’s a good pickup line, “My girlfriend’s pregnant, will you go out with me?”
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help – don’t ask.
14. Women like it when you ignore them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don’t like a girl, but can’t think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, “I don’t know. I just don’t like her personality.”
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, “Wha…?”
23. Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they’ll really want to know.
28. Don’t have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. Lie.
33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.
34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Never listen.
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.
42. Lie.
43. “Love” is not in your vocabulary. don’t even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you’re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it’s really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don’t.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it’s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend’s b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Blame everything on PMS.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.
56. Automatically assume that she doesn’t know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you’re just there to stand around and look cool, right?
59. You are male, therefore you want quality.
60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
61. Lie.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you’ve done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with “why,” the answer is “I don’t know.”
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you’re staying with her.
67. Lie.
68. Other peoples’ pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
69. Lie.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor… make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you’ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.
73. Lie. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE’s the one who wanted to end the relationship.
75. Lie.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions “love” or “commitment.”
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren’t there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you’ve known her, when you’re with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it’s real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn’t kiss as well as your ex.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn’t possibly call any of your female friends, even if it’s local.
85. Be early for everything or don’t show up at all.
Did you hear about the woman whose ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once?
One cooking and the other cleaning.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink
An airplane throws out all itz luggage trying to get over a mountain.still no luck The pilot talks to the passengers and says the only fair way is if they go by ABC,s how does everyone feel about that?Sounds fair they say.He says A;allyou African americans jump little black boy trys to get up his grandpa says np son sit back down.Pilot goes B; all you black people jump little black boy trys to get up again his grandpa says no son sit back down.Pilot goes C; all you colored people jump little black boy trys to get up again his grandpa says np son sit.little boy looks at his Grandpa an says were African American,were Black& were Colored his grandpa says no son wre not today were Niggers & were going after the M,F, Mexicans
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Why are men like paper cups?
They’re dispensable.
Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Curtis
If white ppl are crackers and black ppl are burnt crackers, wut are mixed ppl????
Oreos!
How many legs does a chicken have? . . .
A. . . Two. Right.
Q. And how many wings does a chicken have? . . .
A. . . Yes. Two. right again.
Q. Well how many beaks does a chicken have?. . .
A. . . One. got it.
Q. How many bones does a cat have? . . .
A. . . Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy..
1. Women got off the Titanic first.
2. Women can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.
3. Women get to flirt with systems support men who always return their
calls, and are nice to them when they blow up their computers.
4. A women’s boy friend’s clothes make them look elfin and gorgeous –
guys look like complete idiots in a women’s cloths.
5. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
6. Women can cry and get off speeding fines.
7. Women have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.
8. Taxis stop for women.
9. Men die earlier, so women get to cash in on the life insurance.
10. Women don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
11. Women get Free drinks.
12. Women get Free dinners.
13. Women get Free movies (you get the point).
14. Women can hug their friends without wondering if the friend thinks
there gay.
15. Women can hug their friends without wondering about their own
sexuality.
16. New lipstick gives women a whole new lease on life.
17. Condoms make no significant difference in women’s enjoyment of sex.
18. If women aren’t not making enough money they can blame the glass
ceiling.
19. It’s possible for a woman to live their whole lives without ever
taking a group shower.
20. No fashion faus pas a women make could ever rival The Speedo.
21. Women don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
22. Women never have to wonder if their parteners orgasm was real.
23. If women forget to shave, no one has to know.
24. Women can congratulate a teammate without ever touching her ass.
25. If women have a zit, they know how to conceal it.
26. Women never have to reach down every so often to rearrange their
privates.
27. If women are dumb, some people will find it cute.
28. Women don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
29. Women have the ability to dress themselves.
30. Women have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
31. Women can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
32. If women marry someone 20 years younger, their aware that they look
like an idiot.
33. Women’s friends won’t think their weird if they ask whether there’s
spinach in their teeth.
34. With women there are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
35. Gay waiters don’t make women uncomfortable.
36. Women will never regret piercing their ears.
37. Women can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
38. Women will never discover we’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.
39. Women know which drinking glass was ours by the lipstick mark.