Category: gender

Stages of Life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 “tongue” 25 “breakfast” 35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.” 48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.” 66 “Got home alive.”

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 “Split the check before we go back to my place” 35 “Just come over.” 48 “Just come over and cook.” 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

what did the farmer say whenhe lost his tractor?

wheres my tractor!!!!!!

Q.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A. At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000
miles, whichever came first.

A womans most important men:

Who are the most important men in women�s’ life:

The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon you’ll loose interest.

Women’s Lament:

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have

no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with

money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat

heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,

somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and

have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy

and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose

interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.

If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.

If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.

Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.

Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgments

Taken from Women’s Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize – and decode these key “signs”:

1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. -Doesn’t engage in oral sex.

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.

3. Man can’t hail a cab. -Impotent.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.

5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin.6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.

7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.

9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.

10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won’t swallow.

11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. -Wears falsies.

12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.

13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won’t go “all the way”. 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.

15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she’s using birth control when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.

16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

17. Asks for “the usual”. -Insists on missionary position only.

18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.

19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.

20. Doesn’t finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.

21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.

22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.

24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)

25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)

26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money.

27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.

29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.

30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.

31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.

32. Under tips waiter. -Small penis.

33. Under tipc parking valet. -Small penis.

34. Under tips cabbie. -Small penis.

35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.

36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.

37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.

Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones… yes, it’s true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn’t drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.
No further testing is planned.

THE FEMALE STRESS DIETThis is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:Breakfast – I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.Lunch – Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.Afternoon Tea – The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.Dinner – 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.Late Night Snack – Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.Diet Rules1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka…)5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.12. Food consumed from someone else’s plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)And remember: ‘STRESSED’ SPELT BACKWARDS IS ‘DESSERTS’!

Q: Why do women like 77 better than 69?
A: Because its eight more

1) You have to take out the garbage.

2) Being told to put the seat down.

3) No sofas in your restrooms.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7) Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.

8) You have to wear ties.

9) You can’t flirt you way out of a traffic ticket.

10) “Women and children first.”

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”