Category: gender

“Three Men And A Baby”

What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?
Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.

Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.

Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said,
‘Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.’

‘I think it’s stuffed, don’t you?’

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.

“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

12. The New “Tripp” Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends’ Phone Calls

11. Den Mothers Who Spank — and the Scouts Who Like It!

10. The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties

9. Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash?

8. Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink

7. Oxy-*50*? It’s closer than you think!

6. The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days

5. Real-Life Adventures: “I Slipped the Tongue to a Really Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR”

4. How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches “Ellen”

3. Give Him S’More: Make-out Tips That’d Make Your Troop Leader Blush!

2. I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard

1. Locating Your “Gee, I’ll Sell Cookies Here” Spot

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Because I’m a Guy…

…I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

…when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

…when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

…I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

…when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

…I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

…there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

…I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

…I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

…you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

…I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

…I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

…and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.

“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.

“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling. “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.

“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”

“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy, “you’ve got pink booties and I’ve got blue ones.”

Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?
A: Some have nuts and some don’t!

A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and

he finds, there is an additional member of the family,

a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation.

He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat

on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it

Nathan, or was it John?

His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your

friends! Don�t you think I have my own friends too?

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean………….)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I’m waiting for a rich Sugardaddy.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I’ve got a vibrator.)

5. I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate. (One look at you and I’m ready to swear off men altogether.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re up yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious enough.

If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?”

God Replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”