Category: gender

Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

Let’s look at a few rather important topics to prove this:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike,
Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want some change back. The girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste,
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from
the Holiday Inn.; The average number of items in the
typical woman’s bathroom is 337.No man will be able to
identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t
looking, men kick cats.

THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A
man marries a woman expecting she won’t change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A
man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Every married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in
two people remembering the same thing, is there?

LISTENING
What a woman says: “C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need
to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes
if we don’t do laundry now.”
What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,
blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

have finally found the problem with men.
god only gave them enough blood to work one of there most famous organs at a time. well, only really one is famous.

A man walked in to his physician’s office, and asked to be castrated.

“I beg your pardon?” the doctor asked, slightly aghast.

“I’ve thought about this for a long time, and I’ve decided I want to go through with it.” The man says calmly.

“You want to be castrated.” The doctor said, stil not quite understanding.

“Yes. That’s right. I want to be castrated.”

The doctor tried to talk his patient out of the decision, but the man was adamant. He was unwaivering in his desire to be castrated. The doctor, seeing the man was resolute, sighed and put him in touch with a good plastic surgeon.

The surgeon was equally aghast, but after having the man sign a multitude of forms, agreed to perform the procedure.

The day of surgery arrived, and the man was in very good spirits. He was clearly looking forward to being castrated. Everyone was completely puzzled but as this clearly was what he wanted, they all shook their heads and went about the procedure as expertly as they could.

Afterward, the man was taken to recovery. The surgeon came to see him.

“Well, everything went fine. There were no complications. However, I must say I’ve never seen such a foreskin before. I’m surprised you were never circumsized.”

The man snapped his fingers. “THAT’S the word!”

A man and his wife were gardening in the back yard when the husband looks up to see his wife bending over to pick some flowers. He looks at her rear and then looks at the Webber Bar-B-Q, noticing that they are the same size.

He says to his wife, “Your butt is as big as our Bar-B-Q!”

She ignores him and goes back to her gardening. The husband can’t stand it so he goes to the garage and gets a tape measure and measures the Bar-B-Q and his wife’s rear and they are exactly the same size.

That night in bed the husband starts to cuddle with his wife, but the wife says, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

The husband says, “I thought I was gonna get a little tonight.”

His wife replies, “If you think that I’m going to fire up this Webber Bar-B-Q for one little weenie, you are crazy!”

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

Q: Why can’t Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she’s a woman.

12 top advantages of being a man:

1. You can play football
2. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
3. It doesn’t ruin your day if your best freind doesn’t notice your new haircut.
4. You don’t need a diamond ring to make a commitment.
5. You just make the babies, you don’t have to give them.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. You don’t cook, you barbeque.
8. You get to make fun of homosexuals instead of shopping with them.
9. The only nails you break are steel.
10. When you hit 30, you’re still drinking beer.
11. Red doesn’t make you look fat.
12. Weight-watchers doesn’t allow men.

The only 2 disadvantages of being a man:

1. Bars don’t have men’s night (They only have ladies night.)
2. You can’t get a job by showing your boobs.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to date my dad)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s).

5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing.)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

” No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

Submitted by Phil

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as “restrooms,” “bathrooms,” “outhouses,” “commodes,” “men’s rooms,” and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren’t allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don’t talk to somebody you don’t know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don’t spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Grafitti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there’s any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don’t do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X……(X = occupied, . = empty)
X…..X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X