Category: gays & lesbians

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a girl and starts
flirting with her. She turns around and says, “You know, I’m a
lesbian.” He just nods and keeps flirting. So she turns around
again and says to him, “Do you know what a lesbian is?” He
replies no. She says, “You see that woman there. I want to strip
her down and have open sex with her all over the floor.” Upon
hearing that, the man starts sobbing. She asks, “What’s wrong?”
And he says, “I think I’m a lesbian too!”

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving”

New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly”

Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”

New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning”

Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?

“New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”

Neighbor 1: “That is right”

New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: “Right again”

New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife”

Neighbor 1: “Correct”

New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual”

Neighbor 1: “Yup”

New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning”

Neighbor 1: “Cool”

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door”

Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”

Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job”

Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”

Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University”

Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that”

Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?”

Neighbor 2: “No”

Neighbor 1: “You must be gay!”

my friends first date true story he told me

6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den

6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes

6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise

6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells

7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal

7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner

7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table

7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom

7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet

7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glass

7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands

7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both

8:45 pm
food arrives

8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty

8:47 pm
asks what it is

8:48 pm
in the bathroom again

9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table

9:01 pm
girl says she didn’t know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can’t dance but says yes

9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can’t tell the difference

9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn’t that good anyway

9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him

9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees

9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point

9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car

9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point

9:45 pm
heavy making out

9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp

10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells “thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited”
light comes back on

10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest

10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging
cheek

10:10 pm
gets into car
car won’t start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too

11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys

11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay

Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
He loved taking deliveries in the rear.

This guy had a hard day at work and decided to get a drink on
the way home. He stopped in to this bar and didn’t realize it
was a gay bar. He took a seat in this both and a waiter came up
to him and asked what the name of his penis was. The guy looked
at him puzled and said what?? The waiter replied i have to know
the name of your penis before I can serve you it is house rules.
The man asked well what is the name of yours?? the waiter said
it is NIKE ya know just do it. Oh said the guy a few min. passed
and the waiter asked him again a short pause then the man
replied it is SECRET the waiter questioned what does that mean
the man sad ya know strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

What did the pheadophile say when he got out of prison?

I feel like a kid again

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

“How am I supposed to find an egg in all this SHIT!”

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees
the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded
Vermonter standing there.

“Names Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…
Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be
some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can
drink with the best of ’em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna
be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people.
I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex
at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone
for six months! I’ll definitely be there … by the way, what
should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just
gonna be the two of us.”

A man was walking in the park and saw a guy sitting under a tree
crying. The guy walks up to him and asked why was he so sad. The
gay guy said, “My lover just died of AIDS and this is the tree
where we made love for the first time. I have the ashes and I
want to sprinkle them under the tree but I can’t seem to do it.”

The guy said, “Look I feel so bad for you that I will do it. I
will even say a little sermon.” The gay guy agreed.

The guy started his sermon, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if
you would of stuck with pussy, you would still be with us…”

AIDS= Anal Induced Death Sentence

What is the first sign of AIDS?
That constant pounding in your asshole.

A man went to the doctor and got diagnosed with AIDS. He asked
the doctor if there was any cure. The doctor replied, “I want
you to go home, have a big bowl a chili with tabasco sause and
then eat 5 red peppers”. The man asked “Will that cure my
AIDS?”. The doctor replied, “No, but it will teach you what
your asshole is used for”.

There were 10 priests who had died around the same time,
and God, to test their loyalty, had tied bells to each of the 10
priests wangs and make each watch pornography (in case you
didn’t know, priests are not supposed to want any sexual
relations with anyone). If one was to get a boner, the bell
would ring, and
he would be sent to hell.
As each priest went one by one, no bells rang, until the
last priest was put to the test. Boy was that bell ringin and
immediately God had pulled the priest out and scolded at him,
telling him how he was not loyal. In nervousness the priest’s
bell had fallen, “Pick up your bell now!” yelled God, and as the
priest bent over to pick up his bell, 9 bells rang…

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress,
and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume.
She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell… “Oh Patrick,” says the Monsignor,
“I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long,
cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.” The candidate
leaves.

The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second
candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil
drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell… “Joseph, Joseph,” sighs
the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal
desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness”

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the
third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all
of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved. “James,
my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you
have the true strength of character needed to become a great
priest”. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower”.
*Ting-a-ling*