Category: food

There’s this cucumber that’s dating this tomato.

the tomato says to the cucumber; “i don’t really like you.”

so the cucumber replies; “that’s ok, ‘cuz you’re not my type!”

*note-this joke works especially well on irritating telephone solicitors*

A mother and daughter were walking through the park one sunny afternoon. They passed a bench where two teenagers were making out. The daughter turns to her mother and asks

“What are they doing?”

The mother stutters and replies

“They are making cakes dear”

The next day the mother took the daughter to the zoo. They went to see the gorillas. When they got there the gorillas were shagging in the cage. Again the daughter turns to the mother and asks

“What are they doing?”

The mother is not as shocked and remembers what she had said to her daughter in the park.

“They are making cakes dear”

That night the mother and father got jiggy on the sofa. The next morning the daughter comes into the kitchen and asks her mother

“Mum, were you and dad making cakes on the sofa last night?”

The mother was very embarrassed and turn to her daughter and said

“Why dear?”

To that the daughter replied

“Because i just licked the icing off of the sofa”

Cologne, May 27 dpa – The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many “Big Mac” hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany’s leading institutes.The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald’s restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies’ relative purchasing power.The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, “baskets” of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.”Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Sign in restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISNT YOURS?

NACHO CHEESE!

By Barbara Florio GrahamFrom McCall’s, June, 1983I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;split a large combination pizza with three friends;think Oreo cookies are for kids;nibble cashews one at a time;think that doughnuts are indigestible;read books they have to hold with both hands;become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;lose their appetites when they’re depressed;think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;throw out stale potato chips;will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;think it’s too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;don’t celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d’oeuvre table;have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;think banana splits are for kids.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in coach.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”

8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.

6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”

1. Three words: eat the check.

A man was talking to his friends about why he was a vegetarian.
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals,” he said, “I’m a vegetarian ’cause I HATE plants!”

Two hobo’s are walking down railroad tracks, haven’t eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard….maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird…green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, “Let’s eat this bastard.” The other hobo says, “Naw, I’m gonna wait and have a HOT meal.” The first hobo replies, “Well, I’m too damned hungry to wait, I’m eatin’ this fuckin’ buzzard”. The second hobo says, “Suit yourself, but I ain’t waitin’ on you”, and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy….by now about a mile away… and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy…..sweating…panting….stomach churning from the rotten buzzard he’d just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke….every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, “See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal”.

A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, “Doc, there’s something seriously wrong with my digestive system!” “If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I’m worried, Doc; What do you suggest?”
The doctor said calmly, “No problem, eat shit.”