Category: fictional characters

In New York an Englishman an Irishman and an American had been
drinking, the American led the other two to the Empire State
Building, at the top the American said to the Irishman “I bet
you $100 dollars that I can jump of this building and fly around
in circles.” The Irishman says “Your on.” So the American jumps
off and flys around in circles and comes back. The Irishman says
“Oh I can do that easy.” But h jumps off and splats on the floor
below and the Englishman says “You can be a right dick once
you’ve had a drink Superman.”

There were 3 men just chillen out on a bridge. Suddenly a
geenie apeared out of nowhere. The geenie said “I will grant
you each one wish.” So the first guy says, “i wanna be a bird
and fly.” the genie says, then run off the bridge and flap your
arms then you will turn into one. So he did it and it worked.
The second guy said, “i wanna be a fish and swim all day long”.
The genie said “jump in the water and start to swim.” He did it
and it worked. The third guy said, “i wanna be a bird also!”
So the genie said jump off and start to flap again. So he takes
a few steps back…he gets ready to make a huge jump…then he
runs, trips on a rock and yells “SHIT”! Then poof! He was
floating in the water as a huge pile of shit.

The seven dwarfs got on the bus.They talked for a while, and got
bored. About 20 minutes into the journey, they started feeling
sleepy.
So he got off.

There’s a big gala ball on the roof of a fancy hotel. Everyone
is having a great time, except for one guy who’s really drunk,
and is bothering everyone. The guy is busy peeing on a woman’s
leg when a man approaches him and says, “Come over her, I’ve got
something to show you.” He leads the man over to the ledge and
says, “There is actually a magical air pocket surrounding this
building that, if you jump off, will carry you back up to the
floor you jumped from.”
The drunk slurrs, “I don’t believe ya.”
“Here,” says the man, “let me show you.”
The man proceeds to leap of the roof and falls down all ten
floors. Inches before hitting the street, the man begins to rise
back up, and gently lands back on the roof.
“That was amazing!” responds the drunk. “Let me try.”
With that, the drunk tosses away his beer and bounds off the
roof. The drunk continues his descent until he smacks down on the
pavement like a ton of bricks.
As the other man returns to the party, a woman approaches him
and says, “You can be a really ass some times, Superman!”

A blonde called 911 to report a horrible accident. She was
hysterical as she said, “robbery, robbery! they have stolen my
dashboard, steering wheel, even my stick shift!” The police said
they’d be right over.

A few minutes later, the blonde called back, saying she had
been in the back seat.

A man was driving down the road with a lady passenger in the
front and two guys asleep in the back when a policeman stopped
him.

Policeman- excuse me sir but congratulations you are the first
person to pass our checkpoint with your seatbelt on, you have
won 1000! What are you going to do with it?

Guy- Well I might spend it all on socks

Woman- Don not listen to him he is such an idiot when he is drunk

Guy having just woken up- What have they found the crack

Other guy wakes up as well- Oh, I knew we wouldn t get very far
in a stolen car!

Just then a voice in Spanish came up from the boot- Are we over
the boarder yet?

On day there was a man that walked into a bar. He peered across
the room to see another man holding his ass with a look of pain
over his face.

He walked over and asked what was wrong with him. He said that
he had a champagne cork lodged 12 inches up his ass. The other
man looked in horror at him and asked why. He said that he had
been walking through the desert when he found a bottle in the
sand and kicked it.

He then said a genie came out and told him he would grant him
one wish. He exclaimed “NO SHIT!!!”

If Santa answered his mail honestly…

———-
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa

———-
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

———-
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to
your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

———-
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

———-
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa

———-

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa

———-
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.
Santa

———-
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

———-
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las
Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind
up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is
disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain
physical state that would enable him to join with his date.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room
he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it
go?”

The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply
couldn’t get it up, if you know what I mean.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s
embarrassing?” He asked. “I couldn’t even jump up on the bed!”

BARBIE’S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat troll, I’ve been saving your ass every year,
being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea
parties. I hate to break it to ya,’ Santa, but it’s payback
time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be
around to smell it.

These are my demands for this Christmas:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking
like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don’t
suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like
cellulite!

3. A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that
earring anyway? HELLO!?!

4. It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Doctor’s and Lawyer’s make real money.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 40 years -I think I deserve
a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I
think these demands are reasonable. If you don’t like it, you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that
simple.

As ever,
Barbie

KEN’S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking
for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my
understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my
sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue
concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and
desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms.
Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has
received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I,
nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses,
Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not
even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never
upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring
was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change
in my career to further explore my creative nature.

Some options which could be considered are: “Decorator Ken,”
“Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Broadway Ken.” Other avenues which could
be considered are: “Impersonator Ken” (with wigs and gowns), or
“West Hollywood Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my
interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under
served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me
away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the
curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations
of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,
while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will
result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And
kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe…he’s
mine, at least that’s what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

mary had a little lamb,
she kept it in a bucket,
everytime it got out the dog tried to….

lick its face! (if u dont get it your an idiot)

QUESTION:Why did raggedy anne get kick out of the toy store?
Answer below!!!!!

ANSWER: Because she kept sitting on Pinnonchio’s face and saying
lie, lie, lie!