Turtle in the Desert

One day there was a man driving his old Pickup Truck through
the desert. On the side of the sand road there was this little
baby turtle swaying his head from side to side saying, “No No No
No No No No No No No” like the little cat on the Meow Mix
commercials(you know, “Meow meow meow meow”).

The next day later the man goes to the hospital for a
terribe heart attack. Before he dies, he tells his son, “Bob, I
want you to have my Pickup Truck. Take that truck and drive it
through the desert. There you will find a turtle swaying his
head from side to side going “No No No No No No” like the cat on
the Meow Mix Commercials. I want you to ask him why he is going
“No No No No No”. Do it for me, son. Do it for your ol’ dad.”
Then he dies.

So the son takes the pickup and drives through the desert.
Soon enough, he sees the turtle almost starving to death and he
is dehydarated, going “No….No…No..” He gives the turltle a
sandwich and a bottle of water and asks why he is going “No No
No No”. After he nouriches, he says,

“All this sand and no sand toys to play with it!!!!”

Three Flies

Once there were three flies who decided to spend a night in some
person’s bathroom. The first fly slept in the bath, the second
fly spent the night in the basin and the last fly slept in the
toilet.

The next morning the three flies gathered together to chat. The
second fly asked the first, “How was your night?” The first fly
answered, “It was terrible, I was almost killed by this big
hairy thing that tried to swot me into some dirty water!”

The first fly then asked the second fly, “And you, how did you
sleep?” The second fly answered, “I hardly got any, during the
night I woke up and found myself in some water. I thought it the
end of me but I couldn’t give up. So I thrashed my legs about as
hard as I could, luckily I found a shiny rope to grab onto and
pull myself out
of the water.”

Both Flies then asked the third fly, “What about you, was your
night any better?” The third fly shook his head and replied, “It
was the worst night of my life, at first it was there was
peaceful and quiet but then all of sudden there was a massive
rumble of thunder. Out of no where a huge wall of water swept me
off my legs and I found myself being tossed about by huge
rapids. It must have been a flash flood or something. I tell you
guys, if it wasn’t for that log I would have drowned!”

Dopey goofed again

Six of the seven dwarfs went to see the Pope. Upon ariving they
went to ask the pope a question. They all wanted to know if
there were any three-foot tall nuns running around the Vatican.

The pope thought for a second before telling them that he knew
of no three-foot tall nuns. All six of the dwarfs broke out in
laughter. The Pope then ask them what was so funny. All six at
the same time sang out, “Dopey fucked a penguin!”

Dog Joke

There was a Scottish man and Irish man and a Chinese man

the scottish man, the irish man and the chinese man all decided
to take there dogs for a walk, so off they went,

the scots man took his dog to the corner of the street and it
had a wee,

on the next corner the irish mans dog had a wee,

not once did the chinese mans dog have a wee, the scots man and
the irish man were confused and asked ” why does your dog not
wee?” The chinese man replyed

“Me not soft, me not silly, me tie not in doggies willy!”

Queens legs

There were once three men named Bob,Jimbo and Tim.
One day Bob needed a beer so he suggested going to ‘The Old Hag’
pub nearby.
“OK” said the others and they walked for five minutes to get
there.
When they did it was shut!All they saw was one man behind the
bar.
“Oh no!” said Tim “I’m thirsty too! Lets go to ‘The Daft
Mare’,but it is quite far from here”.
“OK” said the others and they walked the 45-minute journey to
the next pub,and alas,it was shut also,except for the same man
behind the bar.”Oh SHIT!” yelled Jimbo “I’m GAGGING for a
pint,lets go to ‘The Queen’s Legs’for a beer-it’s ages away,but
never mind”.
“OK LAST ONE!” agreed everyone,and they all walked the hour’s
journey to ‘The Queen’s Legs’.
When they got there a sign on the door said:
OPEN IN FIVE MINUTES!
so they decided to wait,when suddenly they saw their friend
Willie coming long the road
“What are you doing here?”He asked
“We are waiting for “The Queen’s Legs’ to open so we can have a
drink!”said Bob,and 5mins later they walked in only to find the
man behind the bar again sitting there grinning.
“What are you grinning at?” Asked Jimbo
“CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN MAN?”He said,pointing to the right.
Jimbo turned,and sure enough there was the sign-
‘SORRY NO TRAVELLERS’ !!!!!!!!

skateboard

There were three guys waiting to get into heaven, they were at
the pearly gates and Saint Peter told them that to get into
heaven, they had to answer one question, which was, ” Have you
been faithful to your wife?”. The first man told him, that yes,
he had been faithful and had never even thought about fooling
around. Saint Peter, gave the man a cadillac and let him in the
pearly gates. The second guy said, that yes he had been
faithful, but he did think about fooling around a couple of
times, Saint Peter gave him a bicycle and let him in the pearly
gates. The third guy stepped up, and hanging his head down, said
that he was unfaithful every chance he got, and was deeply sorry
for it. Saint Peter gave him a skateboard and let him in the
pearly gates.
Then one day, the guy on the skateboard, saw the guy in the
cadillac pulled over by a cloud and just crying his eyes out.
The skateboarder asked him why he was crying, he got the
cadillac and he shouldn’t have anything to cry about. The guy in
the cadillac looked up and said, ” I just saw my wife skateboard
by”!;)

10 Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

1. Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on!”

2. Kid asks for new bike, but gets a packet of cigarettes.

3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping
and handling.

4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has are styrofoam
peanuts.

5. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his
bead.

6. Instead of “naughty” or “nice”, Santa has him/her on the
“dork” list.

7. Sends him/her off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie
Lee.

8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard,
and I’ll put the hurt on you!”

9. Label on all kids toys read, “Straight from Craptown.”

10. Four words: “Off my lap Tubby!”

Chocolate Melts In Your Mouth

Two men a white man and a hispanic man were driving down the
freeway when a black mans car swerved out of its lane and hit
the other car head on. All three men died on contact, and went
to hell. When they got there Satan told them that he would grab
their penis, and if it melted they would stay in hell, if it
didnt they could go to heaven. First Satan grabbed the white
mans penis and it melted, then he grabbed the asian mans penis
and also it melted. Satan feeling pretty confident strutted
over to the black guy and grabbed his penis, and held it, but
for some reason it didn’t melt, Satan feeling pretty pissed
asked why his penis didn’t melt, the black man replied
“Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand, Sir”

Lost and Found

An old man in heaven comes up to Jesus Christ. “Hello, young
man,” he says, “would you help me look for my son?” Jesus Christ
smiles apologetically and says “You know, sir, Heaven is very
big, and it is awfully hard to find someone here.”

The old man says “No, I’m sure you know my son. He was very well
known and he had nails put in his hands and feet.” Jesus looks
at the man in awe and asks slowly, “Father?!” The old man,
pleased at the recognition, says, “Pinnochio?!!”

Interesting Facts

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
“screeched.”

2. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters
“mt”

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in
the English language.

8. “Underground” is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters “und.”

9. There are only four words in the English language which end
in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

10. The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its
plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.

12. The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukup
okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

13. Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be abbreviated to
3.63% of its size,L.A.

14. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

16. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

18. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint – no two lions
have the same pattern of whiskers.

21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
“therein”: the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein,
herein.

24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a
fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy
Bezopasnosti

31. ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest English word that is typed
with only the left hand.

33. The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different
ways; the following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed.”

34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”

36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian seal for that reason.

37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only
have about ten.

38. The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase
“Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”

39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses
were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.