Category: farmers

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says “hmmm – that’s weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn”.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads “WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find *No Trespassing* signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, “Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.”
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, “I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property.”

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. “That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property,” he tells him. “I’m going to shoot his cow!”

He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, “I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!”

There where three men driving down a road, all of them were tired and each of their destinations were still miles away. So all of them stop at a farmer’s house and ask if they could spend the night. The farmer had a very beautfiul daughter who was still a virgin, and the farmer wanted to keep it that way. Because he was afraid that the three men would pop his daughter, he stuck razor blades up her … So the next morning , he would find out who tried to screw his virgin daughter. So at breakfast the next morning, he asked all the guys to drop their pants. The first man drops his pants and his penis falls off. The second man does the same and his penis falls off. The third man drops his pants and his penis doesn’t fall off. The farmer asks why? He replies ” eye hun how”…

‘Don’t Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy’s Guide To Life’ by Texas Bix Bender————————————————–Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.Never ask a man the size of his spread.After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Always drink upstream from the herd.Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be suprised if they learn their lesson.The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.”

The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.”

The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.”

The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

There are two farmers in a small village.They have been togeather since childhood.They say they
are very close friends.They are both married but only one of them has children.The other one is suffering very much from having none.So the other day the poor one comes to his friend and asks him to have a serious talk.He explains his unfortune and suggests his friend to have an intercourse with his wife in hoping to get her pregnant.They fix a day and time.One morning his friend comes over and he is met by his friend at the entrance of his house.The poor guy looks very nervous and smokes one fag after another.He lets his friend in and waits outside.After a short while the door opens and the man comes out looks a bit discontent.What’s up?-asks the other.Don’t ask,I was not in a good mood,so she just did me a blowjob.