Category: farmers

Q: What does a farmer count his cows with?
A: A Cow-culator!

There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. ‘Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,’ said the hospitable old man. ‘But, I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.’ ‘Oh!’ said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, ‘Just how far is it to the next house?’

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. ‘So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I’ve got to do something about this.’ He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well, I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finish’s first gets to have all the hens for himself.”

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

There was a men who is lost in a forest during a storm. He came to a house and knocked on the door.
A farmer came out and asked, “what the hell do you want?”

The man asked, “Could I spend a night here?”

“Sure, but you can’t touch my daughter.”

So the man was sleeping that night, when the daughter came in. And that night, they did it. The next night, they did it, too. The next night, they did it, again.

Until one night, the daughter said to the man, “I am tired of doing it in your room.”

So the man went to the daughter’s room and did it. The next night, they did it The next night, they did it, too The next night, they did it again.

They have done it in every single room in the house EXECPT the father’s room.

So one night they decided to go to the father’s room and do it. When they went in, the father has fallen deep into sleep.

The man asked, “what the hell is that hairy thing in his bed?”

The daughter said, “it’s his hairy ass”

So the man and the daughter were doing it in his room for 2 weeks and they loved it.

But unfortunatly, one day, the father came to the man and go, “we need to talk.”

“What, I didn’t have sex with your daughter!”

“I will tell you the truth, I don’t care if you have sex with my daughter anymore, just don’t use my hairy ass as a score board!

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them. ‘Oh! That doesn’t sound good,’ one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, ‘Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick.’

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact , he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. At 5:30 Friday night , there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Eddie, I’m here for Bettie, we’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”. The farmer paused, then said “Ok, she’s ready” . Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said” Hello, my name is Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show. She ready to go?”. The farmer paused again and said “yeah, she’s ready”. A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said “Hello, my name is Chuck…..” and the farmer shot him…..

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
“No!” yelled the farmer, “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called Sheep Fries!”

The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, “It’s the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!”

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn’t get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.
Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he’s got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

“Hey!” said the hunter, “Come back with my duck!”

“Your duck?” says the farmer, “It was lying dead in my barnyard; it’s MY duck.”

“No! No! You don’t understand!, shouts the hunter, “I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It’s mine!”

“Okay, city fella. We’ll settle this the country way,” says the farmer.

“Country way? What’s that?” says the hunter.

“We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can,” says the farmer. “Last man standing wins the duck…. That is, unless you’re Yella.”

“Of course I’m not yellow,” says the hunter.

“Fine. Country way it is,” says the farmer. “Since we’re on my property, I’ll go first.”

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly pass out.

After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, “Now… my… turn!

The farmer reply: “Nah, I give up. Here’s your duck.”

Farmer: I’ve got a bull that’s right off it duties. It’s got to service

300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.

Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.

So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:

Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and

POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in

30 minutes.

Vet: So, what’s the problem – why have you come back?

Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight –

could you give me one of those tablets? I’m not as young as I was.

Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, it’s too strong but I will give you a quarter of a

pill.

So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.

Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.

Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.

Vet: So, why have you come back?

Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist – she never showed up!

A young salesman was out on business when one night he had to stop at a farm. The only room available was with the farmers pretty daughter . The farmer having heard this kind of joke before asked his faithful farm hand Hans to wait outside the door with a shotgun and if he heard any hanky panky shoot the stranger.

The next morning the sales man lift a bit quickly and the farmer proud of his quick thinking said to his daughter ‘ So, that city fella didn’t try any thing with you? ‘

‘Oh no’ said the girl ‘Hans just gave me his shotgun, put on my nightie and told me to wait in the corridor and make sure the guy couldn’t escape ‘ti morning!’

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.”Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot – I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this horse I’m, riding.”The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger’s.Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!”.