Category: farmers

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, ‘I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.’ The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, ‘Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.’ She replied, ‘I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.’The cowboy said, ‘Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.’ She said, ‘You tell him. He is the one shaving you.’

This guy was visitng the country one day and saw a for sale sign in front of a farm. The guy goes up to the farm and asks the farmer to show him around the farm.
The farmer starts with the house and shows him all the rooms. The guy likes the house and tells him that he always wanted a house like this on his farm.

Then the farmer shows him the barn. The city fellow likes the barn and tells him that he’s always wanted a barn like this on his farm. Then the farmer shows him the land and the guy is very pleased with it and was just about to write the farmer a check when he noticed some bees flying around a tree.

The farmer told him they were honey bees and that they were very nice. The man still refused and told him he didn’t trust bees and he didn’t want any on his farm.

The farmer was very eager to sell his farm so he told the man that he’ll tie him naked to a tree and cover him with honey and if one of the bees stings him he could have this farm for half of what he was asking. The buyer agrees and lets the farmer ties him up.

About 6 hours later the farmer remembers about the buyer and went to see him. When he got to him he asked him if any bees stung him and he said, “No but doesn’t this cow have a mother?”

There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by their boss to put the mule in the barn.
When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mule’s ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.

They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told him the mule’s ears were too long to go into the barn, the boss said:

“Why don’t you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in”

The two half smarts looked at each other and said “We told you his “ears” are too long, not his feet !

One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, “You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost.”
The old rooster replies, “I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don’t want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let’s have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost.”

The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.

Just then, there is a series of shotgun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is sent spinning across the barn yard with the second blast.

Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, “Damn, Mildred, that is the third mixed up rooster we have had this week!!”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn’t leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. “Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn’t you make an exception just once?” pleaded Lena. “Sorry lady,” he replied, “but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street.”

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, “Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?” “It’s ten cents a word,” the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, “OK, here’s da message: “COMFORTABLE”.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole”

One day three salesmen went to a farmer. They asked him if he wanted to buy some of their products. He said, “All right. Wait here until I come back with the money…-but don’t touch my daughter while I’m gone!”

When he came back, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and said ,”Go out to my garden, pick 10 things, and come back in here.”

The first salesman came in there with 10 cherries. The farmer goes, “Ok, shove them up your butt and you can go.” So, not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved the cherries up his butt and he was free to go

The second salesman came in with 10 oranges. Again, the farmer told him to shove them up his butt. After he had done that, the salesman started laughing. The farmer asked, “what’s so funny?”

The salesman replies, “The other guy’s out there picking watermelons.”

Once ther was an insurance saleman from the city going out to the farm community to sell insurance to the farmers. He was way out in the country when he had engine trouble. Not knowing anything about cars he gets out and looks under the hood anyway.
All of a sudden he hears a voice that says ” Its the carborator ”

The insurance man jumps , and looks around, seeing no one . He then looks under the hood again hoping it is something visible that he could fix himself, when he hears the voice again ” Its the carborator ”

The man jumps again and turns around only seeing a large Brahma bull behind him. Scared out of his wits he takes off running to the nearest farm house he can see.

He knocks on the door, the farmer answers, the man immediately goes into his speal about the bull.

The farmer scratches his head and says ” Does he have one straight ear and one floppy ear? ”

The man nods “Yes, Yes “.

The farmer laughs and says ” Don’t worry about him he doesn’t know as much about cars as he thinks he does”

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. ‘Well, we’re a mite crowded, siknce there’s already someone in the spare room,’ replied the farmer. ‘But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.”Look,’ said the tourist, ‘I want you to know I’m a gentleman.”Well,’ mused the farmer, ‘as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.’

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it’s head stuck in a fence. one man said, “Man, I’m gonna get some of this.” He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it. After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. the man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, ‘Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed.’ ‘We?’ replied Tonto. ‘What’s all this ‘we’ crap, Paleface?’

Q: What do you call a basement full of farmers?
A: A whine-cellar