Category: farmers

The farm had been mortgaged to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, “I have a confession to make, Paw – I ain’t a virgin no more.”The old man shook his head sadly. “After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain’t’!”

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line. “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?”

“Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “the machine was programmed to release automatically once it’s collected two gallons of milk.”

It was time to take an inventory of the animals on the Old MacDonald’s Farm.
Farmer MacDonald got his 3 sons Gordy, Glenn and Gomer together and assigned a task to each of them. Gordy had to count the chickens, Glenn the pigs and Gomer the cows.

Gordy went out to the chicken coop and started countin’. 1, 2, 3 . . . 48. And came back and told his father “You have 48 chickens.”

Glenn went to the Pig Barn and counted 1, 2, 3 . . . 53. And came back and told his father “You have 54 pigs.”

Gomer went out in the pasture to count the cows. They were all together at one end of the pasture and Gomer began to count 1, 2, 3, and an udder, and an udder . . .

A Texas Aggie and a farmer were walking through the farmer’s field one sunny afternoon when they came upon a sheep with his head stuck through the fence, unable to extricate itself.
“Look at that poor sheep, he’s stuck!” commented the Aggie.

“No he’s not”, said the farmer, ” his head is caught in the fence for a reason.”

“What reason?” asked the Aggie.

“Well, let me show you” said the farmer and promptly pulled down his pants and began to have furious sex with the sheep.

When he was finished the farmer further explained “We stick their heads through the fence so they can’t get away.”

The aggie responds by saying, “I see. Well, that looks really fun!”

The farmer says, “Would you like to try?”

The aggie responds with “I sure would!” and promptly sticks his head though the fence.

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night.
The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door. The first date says, “Hi my name is Joe, I’m here to take your daughter Flow to eat some dough.”

The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door, “the date says hi, I’m Freddy, I’m here to take your daughter Betty to eat some spaghetti.” The farmer goes sure.

Then the last date comes to the door. “he say hi, my name is Chuc-k…”The farmer goes “Get the hell out of my house!!!

A Texan was having a drink at a bar with an old friend when he noticed a attractive and chesty young lady seated at the bar eating a hamburger. As he held eye contact with her, she swallowed a bite and it must have gone down the wrong pipe for she began choking. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.The Texan said to his friend, ‘That there gal is having a bad time!’The other agreed and said, ‘Think we should go help?’ ‘You bet,’ and with that he ran over and said, ‘Can you breathe????’ She shook her head no. He said, ‘Can you speak??’ She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. Smiling to his friend, the Texan said, ‘Funny how that Hind Lick maneuver always works’

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. “I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.” Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?” “Yes, I do.” “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?” “Yes, I have to admit that I did.” “Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?” Bob’s face turns red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.” “Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”

“But where are all your cattle?”

“So far, none have survived the branding.”

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

When a farmer dies, why is he only buried six inches deep?
So he can still get a hand out.