French Countryside Visions

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his
initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah, young love… ze spring
time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ and continued to
watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and
said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he
hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the
police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
‘Jean… Jean zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer
Gaston’s field making love.’ The police chief smiled and said;
‘Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love,
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is ok.’

‘Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop
to call the doctor:

‘Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere
is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ‘

To which Pierre replied, ‘Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is
very natural.’

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, ‘NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back
to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got
there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, ‘Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.’

The List

There was a guy that just came to the U.S. and did not speak
very good english. His wife gave him a list of things to buy.
The first thing on the list was to buy a Bucket. So he goes to
the hardware store and says to one of the employees,”Hey mister
hardware store guy can Ihave a fuck it.”

Hardware store guy:”Oh he must mean a bucket.”

So the guy got his bucket. The next thing on the list was some
bread. So he goes to the bakery store and asked the guy,”Hey can
a have a head.”

Baker:”Oh he must mean bread”

So the guy got his loaf of bread. Next was a Cocker Spaniel. So
he went to the pet shop and asked the pet shop guy,”Hey can I
have a Cock And Spank It”

Pet shop guy:”Oh he must mean a Cocker Spaniel.”

So the guy got his Cocker Spaniel. Right when he got out of the
pet shop his Cocker Spaniel runs away. So he starts to panic and
runs to the police. So when he got to the police he says,”Will
you hold my head and fuck it while I go find My cock and spank
it!!!”

Being Excuted on Guillotine

An Englishman, an American, and a Pollock are being executed by
way of the guillotine.

Before they were executed the executioner would ask them if they
had any last requests before they were beheaded. He also added
that if the machine happened to malfunction that they would be
set free and the case would be dropped.

The Englishman steps up and the executioner asks him “What is
your last request?” The Englishman, being a man who has great
pride in his country says “Hail Queen Elizabeth!” And with
that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. A
miracle happens and the blade stops about an inch from his neck
and he is set free.

Then, the American steps up and the executioner asks him the
same question. The American, having great pride in his country
says, “Remember all the lives lost in the Alamo.” And with
that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. Another
miracle happens and the blade stops an inch from his neck and he
is set free.

The Pollock steps up and says, “Do you know that you have a knot
in your rope?”

The Italian Who Went To New York

One day ima go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat
soma breakfast. Iwanna two piss toast. She branga me only onea
piss. I tella her i wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I
say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you
better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even
know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

Later i go to eat soma lunch at Drake restaurant, the waitress
bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her i wanna
fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no
understand, i wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the
lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So i go back to my room inna hotel, an there’s no sheet on the
bed. I calla the manager and tella him i wanna sheit. He tellsa
me to go to the toilet. So i say you no understand, i wanna
sheit on the bed. He say you better not sheit on the bed you
sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know tha man and he call me sonna
ma bitch.

I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you.
I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch. I GO BACK TO
ITALY!!!