Category: engineers

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent
imagination.

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good
paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his
education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have
taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He
was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he
got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, “Well, you were
the closest.”

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such
ineptitude.”
The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a
word with him.”
[Dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us?! They’re rather slow,
aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you
discourage business?”

“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually
make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves
first.”

The following is supposedly a true story.

An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the
problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more
than a dozen of government officials attending.

To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy,
tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so minutes into the
presentation all of them stood up and left without a word.

The economist found out only later that his secretary ran the presentation
through a spell-checker and what was “The Problem with Black-Scholes” became
“The Problem with Black Schools”.

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the light bulb?
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and
wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for
their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if
he has any last words. He says, “I am from the Baylor School of
Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene
on behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God
must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. “I am
from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the
eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent.”

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that
the law is on this guy’s side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m a fighting
Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you right now
you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two
wires.”

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked
out the window.

“Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft
was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry
about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the
aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began
handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry
about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to
get help.”

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, “Well,
you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention…the assembly
line for the automobile…changed the world. As a reward, you
can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.”

Ford thinks about it, and says, – “I want to hang out with God
Himself.”

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and
introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, “When you invented
Woman, what were You thinking?”

God asks, “What do you mean?” Well,” says Ford, “You have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There’s too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too
much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It
constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of
commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28 6. The rear end
wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the
exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel
consumption is outrageous.

And that’s just to name a few.”

“Hmmm…,” replies God, “Hold on a minute.” God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits
for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report,
and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, “It may be that my design is
flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours.”

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the
street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while
they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologists: “They have reproduced”.
The mathematician: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be
empty again.”

Q: What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his/her hotel room?

A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

To: Management From: Systems Group
Re: Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
We are pleased to report that our staff has completed the 18 months of
“Y-to-K” work, on time, and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives,
and completely modified dates in all software and all data to reflect your new
standards, as such:
* Months: January,
February
Mac,
Julk
* Days: Sundak,
Mondak,
Tuesdak,
Wednesdak,
Thursdak,
Fridak,
Saturdak
Our team is glad to help in any way possible, although honestly, the urgency
of this “Y-to-K” project has not made much sense to us, with all push to
complete this before the year 2000.
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the
two-digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
That could cause some problems.
Regards,
System Group.