Category: engineers

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was
fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you
and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be
free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed,
the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a
sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my
wife fell out.”

Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?

A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.

My brain is like a computer,
the older I get the less available memory I have.

Q: Why has astrology been invented?

A: So that economy could be an accurate science.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private
Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to
the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report
to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge,
that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a
bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I
just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him
and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen
up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in ‘Twister.’ I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the ‘cruise control’ and then went
in the back to make a sandwich.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted mathematician?
A: He stares at YOUR shoes while talking to you.

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble
because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following
examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately,
the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been
printed that the phrase means, “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed
with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese
characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be
loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation” came out, as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-licking’ good” came
out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got
translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so
refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured
out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company
mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads
said that “It won�t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.

Windows 98 is not a virus. Viruses are small and efficient!

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?”
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done.

PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI – System Can’t See It
DOS – Defunct Operating System
BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN – I Simply Don’t Know

Two economists meet on the street.

One inquires, “How’s your wife?”

The other responds, “Relative to what?”