Category: engineers

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next
day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly
excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the mount of daylight
changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very
disappointed.

Proof:
We know that
a) Time is Money
b) Knowledge is Power
and from Physics
c) Power = Work / Time

By simple substitution:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Knowledge * Money = Work
Money = Work / Knowledge

It follows that as knowledge goes to 0, money goes to infinity.

Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.

NASA just disclosed details why the rover wouldn’t accept any commands. They
took a picture of the rover’s built-in display, which showed a windows screen
and the text “press any key to continue”.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the
Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.

G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say, “Gee, three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a
computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a
Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (Pronounced
“gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on
vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

This is actually on the books for OSHA.

AGREEMENT: We agree that if you are a type of individual whose
head meets the Standards of Protection under ANSI Z89.1-1969,
you will not be required to wear a hard hat. Any employee who
feels they may quilify should contact your foreman or your
safety officer to arrange for testing.

PROCEDURES: Following the satisfactory completion of the test as
described below, the employee will receive a certificate, which
will identify your head as conforming to the requirements of
American National Standards Institute (ANSI Z89.1-1969, cLASSES
A, B, C, and D). A wallet size card will also be issued which
must be carried with you at all times, while on the job site as
proof that your head is in compliance.

TEST REQUIREMENTS

* The test object (your head) wil receivea 24 hour water
immersion test. The maximum permitted absorption is 0.5 percent
by wheight.

* The impact test requires that you be placed in a horizontal
position with your head upon a steel plate. An eight pound steel
ball will be dropped upon your head from a height of 15 feet.
(your head) must suffer no damage.

* The test object (your head) will be subject to a variety of
acids, solvents and oils. After thorough testing with chemicals,
it must exhibit no damage or deficiencies.

* A propane torch will be used to determine if your head is fire
resistant. If it proves to be only “slow burning” you will
receive a class A or B rating; however if holes should appear in
your head, only a C or D rating will be issued.

* The final test will be to determine if your head is capable of
withstanding an electrical charge. The head must sustane 2,000
volts AC, 60 Hz for a total of three minutes. The leakage
current shall not exceed nine milliamperes.

* All of the above tests must be conducted at a variety of
temperatures ranging from a minus twenty (-20) to one hundred
forty (+140) degrees fahrenheit.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None – the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, the
first to ask what type of light bulb are you running? The second to ask you to
reinstall it, the third to ask you to reboot your light bulb, and the fourth to
say that it must be your light bulb because it running okay here.

Compaq is considering changing the command ‘Press any key’ to ‘Press Enter
key’ because of the flood of calls asking where is the ‘Any’ key.

Q: What does an economist do?

A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.