Category: engineers

President Clinton arrived in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas.
He stepped out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he
reached the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply saluted him as usual.
Clinton spoke, “I’d like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands
are full.”
Marine responded, “Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs Sir!”
Clinton said, “These aren’t just ordinary pigs Marine, they’re pure Arkansas
Razorbacks!”
Marine replied, “Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!”
“I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea,” spoke Clinton.
Marine said, “Yes Sir! Good trade Sir!”

Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.

Q: How do you tell the temperature of the ocean?
A: Stick your finger in a wave.

What does a swing set and a man have in common?

They both cum really hard……
………………………….
…………………………
……to asemble!!

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually
possesses, so people who aren’t programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him
as irritating but irrelevant.

At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an
unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of
literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two
was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling
out the entry form.
The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and
having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.
The Professor went first. The Judge said, ” The final word this year is
‘Timbuktu'” The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds.
The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,
“Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu.”
The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top
that.
The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, “Timbuktu.”
The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to
the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,
“Tim ‘en me, a-hunting went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!”

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM
I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally
useless answer!”

Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got
back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed.

Apparently things didn’t work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the
next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and
rather annoyed she said: “Now I know why your company is called what it’s
called!”

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant,
especially in language. She and her husband were planning a trip to Florida so
she wrote to a campground they planned to visit and asked for a reservation. She
wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite
know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to
write the word “toilet” in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashion term
“bathroom commode.” But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was
being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and reffered to the bathroom comode
simply as the “B.C.”

“Does the campground have its own B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all, and when he got the
letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about!
That “B.C.” buisness really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile,
he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn’t imagine what the lady
meant, either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking
about the location of the local Baptist church, the owner sat down and wrote the
following reply:

“Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and
Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of
people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late.
My daughter met her husband at the B.C. The last time my wife and I went
was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were
there. Sometimes it is so crowded that there are five to a seat. It may interest
you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly, but it is surely not do to lack of desire on my part. As we grow
older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
“If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with
you.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

An engineer, a system’s analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech
conference on the other side of the mountains.

Half way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered
for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge.

It was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom that the car finally
stopped. One tire dropped over the edge.

The three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first
to speak.

“We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just
what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed.”

The system’s analyst agreed. “Yes, but I’d like to see the design blueprints.
We could fix the problem with these cars with a little research.”

The programmer was scratching his head. “I wonder if that’s repeatable.”

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first
skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any
of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how
long do we have until we hit the ground?”

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest
of your life.”