S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: ADDITIONAL TRAINNING

It is now and always has been the policy of this company to
assure its employees that they are well trained. Through our
Special High Intensity Training program (S.H.I.T.). We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the
area.

If any employee feels that he/she can advance to a higher level
position by taking more S.H.I.T., he/she is advised to ask a
supervisor for more. Our Management personel are specially
trained to see that their employees get all the S.H.I.T. they
can handle.

Any individual who feels that he/she has not received their fair
share of Special High Intensity Training he/she is advised to
inform their supervisor so that the individual can be placed at
the very top of the S.H.I.T. list; making them eligible for
S.H.I.T. supplied by an independent consultant.

Already Solved

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to
the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you,
but first I have to give you a little test.”
The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department
which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK,
you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do
you do?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the
water on, and put out the fire.”
The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more
question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the
dumpster is not on fire?”
The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally says,
“I light the dumpster on fire.”
The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on
fire?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve
already solved.”

If a system is administered wisely

If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don’t waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren’t interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don’t access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
They are content to die of old age
Without ever having gone to see it.

Dilbert Reviews Star Wars: Episode I

Hello, readers, of course, it is I, Dilbert. The one and only. And I have
a review of a movie for you, which technically isn’t a movie to me, since
I found 6,765 technical errors, and the maximum to qualify as a movie is
6,764.

All right, let’s talk about this “movie.”

It was called SWEP1TPM. I am now speaking in the Engineer code.

The movie wasn’t GAA. I found many TEs. I could easily tell that the SEs
were F. How can anyone like this movie? The plot was OK, but the plot
doesn’t matter in a movie. It’s all about the LATC.

DYUWIS?

I give this M 0 Ss.

(there was a lot more in, but we cut 99.99754% out because it would C your
COM)

Translations:

SEWP1TPM = Star Wars: Episode 1, The Phantom Menace
GAA: Good At All
TE: Technical Error
SE: Special Effect
DYUWIS: Do you understand what I’m saying?
M = Movie
S = Star
C = crash
COM = computer

(original size was = 3.7MB)

Such a waste

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Help stories from Tech Support

Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” because of the
flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is. AST technical support had a called
complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn�t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A
few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of
the disk.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the
drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard
putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his
room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn�t get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the “send” key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech
suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the
customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,”Oh, I
thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleared it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking
the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech
explained that the computer�s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn�t be
taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn�t get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I
pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal”
turned out to be the computer�s mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn�t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

Parking Space

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when
a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young
and smart to do that.”

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.

“Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”