Category: engineers

20) Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
16) Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

A: Invite an accountant.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven plus or minus ten.

Arnold Swarzenagor Virus: Terminates your files but they’ll be
Baaaaaacccccckkkkkkkkk

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They
rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says,
“I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island.”

Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what
happens and says “I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!”
She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally,
the third blonde says “I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island.”

She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Q: What’s a shy and retiring accountant?

A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s/she’s retiring.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives
all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated
flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that
someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every
time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be
convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have
a bomb on a plane?”

The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe
one in five hundred thousand.”

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people
having a bomb on the same plane?”

Again he went through his tables.

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on
an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the
plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat
and starts shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the
noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts “Be silent!”

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde
and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment,
concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, “OEING! OEING!
OEING! OE….”

Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?

A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling,
he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but
as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes
off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping past his face, he’s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man
goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and
yells, “Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!”

The guy flying up looks down and yells, “No, do you know anything about gas
stoves?!”

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the
scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head
scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a
congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

“Mr. President,” said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, “after twelve years of
hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent
life on Mars.”

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a
frown.

He said, “But that’s impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr.
President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring
at him curiously.

“I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found
intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress.”