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A guy is driving down a deserted highway.
He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign.
From out of nowhere, a cop car pulls him over.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
GUY: Hey, I slowed down, didn’t I???
COP: You must come to a full stop at the sign.
GUY: Stop. Slow down. What’s the difference?
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to pound the man without mercy.
COP: Well? Do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot see.
I’ve run this poem threw it,
I’m sure your please to no,
its letter perfect in it’s weigh,
my checker tolled me sew.
A Sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up
to the urinal beside him.
After a few seconds the Sailor finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the
sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the
door.
Just then the Sailor says, “Hey Marine! When I was in boot camp, they
taught us to wash our hands when we finished!”
The Marine looks at the Sailor and says, “When I was in boot camp, they told
me not to piss on my hands.”
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the
man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can
you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.
“I’m a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof.”
“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.
“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take
them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.
So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my
forms for another card. And got back in line for my card.”
“And?” said the judge.
“And he asked ‘Can you prove you are from New York City?’ …So I stabbed
him.”
Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – the market has already discounted the change.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test:
5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
Q: How two Psychiatrist greet each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their
birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and
automatic transmissions.
How do you spell Canada?
*C-EH N-EH D-EH.
These three engineers are discussing who designed the human body. The
first one says “It must have been an electrical engineer, because of all
the complex nerve endings and circuits”. The second one says “It must have
been a mechanical engineer, because of the perfect movement of the joints.
The third guy sits and thinks for a minute before finally replying “No.
You’re both wrong. It was a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the
beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1!!! F1!!!” and nobody understood it.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.