Category: engineers

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address
from Texas to Vermont.
The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was
. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not stupid or
anything, but what state is it in?”

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to
promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”

Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?” Customer: “The balance is
backwards. The left channel is coming out Of the right speaker and the right
channel is coming out the left. It’s defective.” Tech Support: “You can solve
the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice
versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all
his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he
told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival,
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone,
sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one
is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not
Disturb’!”

The most dangerous organization in America today is:

a) The KKK.

b) The American Nazi Party.

c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club.

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle.
“Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?”
The Marine replied, “I got my four Sir.”

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….Cop :
“Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?”

Blonde : “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.”

Cop : “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway
you’re on!”Blonde : “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more
careful from now on.”

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the
passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop : “Excuse me miss, what’s wrong
with your friends back there? They’re shaking something awful.”

Blonde : “Oh… We just got off of highway 119”.

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two
biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to
visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not
getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that
they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a
visit.
�Is anything funny going on here�? He asked.
�What do you mean by that?� the pair asked back.
“I mean, you�re not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe
doing something you�re not supposed to do?�
�Absolutely not!� the Jim replied. � We are strictly co-workers�
�Oh yes,� the Sarah replied, � We hike all day, record our data, return back,
and fall asleep exhausted.
�That�s right!� Jim replied, �And me in my tent, and she in hers!�
The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in the field with the pair.
He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the
area.
The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit. They
searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from
their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had
taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him
on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken
the unit.
�As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were
sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the
field, I placed it in Sarah�s sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!�

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see
his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” complains the man.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquired the doctor.

The accountant replied, “That’s the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then
spend three hours trying to find it!”

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM,
and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don’t forget to put
your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.