Category: engineers

Dos and don’ts don’t call on behalf of your son or daughter who attends one of
our fine institutions of higher learning. s/he may not know what the hell is
wrong with the gerbil-powered system you bought for college, but you sure as
s*** don’t know what the error messages say. don’t even *try* it.don’t ask the
tech “can you see what’s on my screen?” no, dumbass, we can’t magically
transform your phone into a viewing screen any more than you can use your
computer without screwing it up.do learn the language of the country you reside
in…or play queue roulette!do thank your lucky stars that i can’t reach through
the phone and choke your dumb ass.

When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
And worst, one who is despised.

If you don’t trust the users,
you make them untrustworthy.

The Guru doesn’t talk, he hacks.
When his work is done,
the users say, “Amazing:
we implemented it, all by ourselves!”

Two guys in prison talking:
“I still don’t understand how they found out it was you. All they knew was
that the guy was an amateur astronomer?”
“The interrogator started talking about how he bought this great department
scope that could go up to 800x….”

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about
who might’ve designed the human body. The first one said, “It must’ve been a
mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff –
a mechanical engineer must have designed all that.”
The second one said, “No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The
complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an
electrical engineer.”
Then the third one said, “No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run
a waste water line through a recreational area?”

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the
shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd,
but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and
tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the
room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When our
waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”

“Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of
statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor
73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per
workstation. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can
cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time… nearly 1.5 extra man-hours
per shift.” Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him,
and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.”I’ll grab
another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of making a special
trip,” he proudly explained.

I was impressed. “Thanks, I had to ask.”

“No problem,” he answered. Then he continued to take our orders. As the
members of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from
each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I
spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed
it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and
busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode
discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me,
but…uh…why, or what about that string?”

“Oh, yeah,” he began, in a quieter tone, “not many people are that observant.
That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men’s Room, too.”

“How’s that?” I asked.

“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out
at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our
hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!”

“Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it
back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the
spoon.”

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this restart and drive on.
. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or
“CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of
the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
12. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. “Where did you get
such a rockin’ bike?” asked the first. The second engineer
replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take
what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good
choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

A mouse is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something to eat,
but he’s afraid there might be a big cat outside, so he puts his ear by the
opening and all he hears is “Bow Wow” so he thinks, “Well, there can’t be a cat
out there because there’s a big old dog”, so he goes out of his mouse hole and
is promptly caught and eaten by a cat, who licks his lips and says “It’s good to
be bilingual !!”

Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?

A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption,
dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their
husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department
sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan
says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of
cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice
as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? The Aussie
replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?