Category: engineers

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the
average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one
disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of
math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his
friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has
to do is answer “one third x cubed.”
She repeats “one third — dex cue”?
He repeats “one third x cubed”.
She asks, “one thir dex cuebd?”
“Yes, that’s right,” he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd…”.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that
most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde
waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over
the waitress and asks “what is the integral of x squared?�
The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and
says over her shoulder “plus a constant!”

�If you receive a message with a subject line of “Bad times,” delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.
�It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your computer (20′ range at 72 degrees Fahrenheit).

�It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice
cream melts and milk curdles.
�It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM
access code, and screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
�It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

�It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your
car radio so that you hear 1940’s hits and static while stuck in traffic.
�It will give you nightmares about circus clowns. It will replace your shampoo
with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly
change the interpretation of key sentences.
�”Bad times” will give you Dutch Elm disease.
�It will rewrite your back-up files, leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
�It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
but also refill your skim milk with whole.
�It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
�These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.
Be warned.

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won’t bother you for weeks.

-Nice Set of Floppies!

-Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

-I’d like to play on your laptop.

-Need me to unzip your files?

-If you were an ISP, I’d dial you all day long!

-I’d like to boot up your PC!

-I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen!

-I’ve got a 21-inch… (Monitor)

-I’d get a T3 to watch your streaming video…

-Your homepage or mine?

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint
Peter says, “Bill, you’ve done some wonderful things in your life and have
earned the right to choose where you’ll spend the rest of eternity. You can
choose between Heaven and Hell, but choose wisely.”

Bill looks over Saint Peter’s shoulder between the pearly gates and sees
nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter’s words, Bill asks
if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The
Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much
to his surprise, there’s one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the
alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill
returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.

He again looks over Saint Peter’s shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow.
Bill says to Saint Peter, “I’ve put a lot of thought into this decision and it
may sound foolish, but I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.”

Saint Peter fulfills Bill’s request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets
back to Hell there’s been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are
burning, and moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked
at the sight asks the Devil, “What happened?? I was just down here a little
while ago and everyone was having a great time!” The Devil says, “Oh that…
That was just the demo!”

Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

Back in 1947 the government was experimenting with a Marine’s ability to
complete his mission after suffering a serious head injury.
They took a well trained, physically-fit, hard-charging Cpl. and told him to
row a canoe up a river. The Cpl. jumped in the canoe, started rowing up stream
with ease and began singing, “From the Halls of Montezuma, To the Shores of
Tripoli.”
The next day a team of surgeons performed a frontal lobotomy on the
Marine. Again, they took him to the river and said’ “row.”
Again the Cpl. jumped in, took a second to find his seat, started rowing with
a little difficulty and began singing. It took a little more effort this time,
“From Da Hallls of Montayuma, Two Da Stores in
Tripoli.” But he made it up river and completed the task.
The next day the surgeons removed the majority of the Marines brain and took
him to the river.
The Cpl. jumped in, fell out, and began swimming up stream, singing “For Da
Hails of Monte puma, to ‘e hall inn monopoly.” But again, he made it up
river and completed his task.
The next day the surgeons removed the remainder of the Marines brain. He had
no brain what-so-ever and no way to think logically. They took him to the
river. He fell out of the car and began singing, “Hear we go, Into the wild
blue yonder….”

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out,
and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work
smarter, not harder.

I work at a bank and one day we received a call from one of our branches that
was having problems with the keyboard at one of their drive-up stations.
I ask the teller what was wrong and she replied, “Our keyboard will not work,
they keys are stuck!”
I asked several questions and it turns out that some water had gotten into the
keyboard. It was raining and water had come through the air tunnels, where
people sent their transactions in, and got into the keyboard.
It turns out that a branch person took the initiative to fix the problem by
using her hair blower to dry-off the water and in the process she melted several
of her keys.
Doooooooooooppppppee!!!!!

The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?

9.Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

10.This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log
off.”

11.To “shut down” your system; type “WIN.”

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows Virus Scan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

22.Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

When users see one GUI as beautiful,
Other user interfaces become ugly.
When users see some programs as winners,
Other programs become loss age.

Pointers and Nulls reference each other.
High level and assembler depend on each other.
Double and float cast to each other.
High ending and low endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.

Therefore the Guru
Programs without doing anything
And teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
Processes are swapped and he lets them go.
He has but doesn’t possess,
Acts but doesn’t expect.
When his work is done, he deletes it.
That is why it lasts forever.

MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: ADDITIONAL TRAINNING

It is now and always has been the policy of this company to
assure its employees that they are well trained. Through our
Special High Intensity Training program (S.H.I.T.). We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the
area.

If any employee feels that he/she can advance to a higher level
position by taking more S.H.I.T., he/she is advised to ask a
supervisor for more. Our Management personel are specially
trained to see that their employees get all the S.H.I.T. they
can handle.

Any individual who feels that he/she has not received their fair
share of Special High Intensity Training he/she is advised to
inform their supervisor so that the individual can be placed at
the very top of the S.H.I.T. list; making them eligible for
S.H.I.T. supplied by an independent consultant.