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“Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them
starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other
policeman protests.
‘While we’re doodling,’ he points out, ‘he is making his getaway.’
‘Relax,’ says the game-theorist policeman. ‘He’s got to figure it out too,
don’t he?'”
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between
classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an
electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical
engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is
ingeniuos.
Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client: How long will it take?
Translator: About a week.
Client: A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6
days.
Translator: Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a
look at my translation.
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were
all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that
lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of
minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he
announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world
needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute
and leaped out of the plane.
“I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart
men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the
plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the
plane.”
“You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack.”
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be
for a Mac user.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb
has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb
could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this
email exchange to alt.light.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, whereto buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list
which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and
footers, and then add “Me Too.”
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle
the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it
here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need
some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in
this remote door unlock thing, now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they
[pointing to a distant convenience store] would
have a battery for this?” “Hmmm, I don�t know. Do you have an alarm, too?” I
asked. “No, just this remote ‘thing,'” she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t
you drive over there and check about the batteries it’s a long walk.”
If you can pick it up, it’s a PC.
If you can’t pick it up but you can push it over, it’s a minicomputer.
But when you can’t pick it up or knock it over, it’s a mainframe.
There was an Indian, a Pakistani and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
carriage in a train going through Tasmania, Australia. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the
sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia
Schiffer and the Pakistani were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Indian had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Indian
was thinking: “The Pakistani must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed
him and slapped me instead.”
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: “The Indian must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Pakistani and got slapped for it.”
The Pakistani was thinking: “This is great! The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that Indian dumb-ass
again.”
Why is E-Mail like the Penis?
-Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
-Those who have it somehow believe those who don’t are inferior.
-Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat but doubt it’s worth all the
fuss that those who have it make about it.
-Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it; phenomenon
psychologists call E-Male Envy.
-It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any work done.
-In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to
the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it
should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
-If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
-We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence
warrant.
-If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of
trouble.
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball
and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple
integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water,
and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball
table.