Category: engineers

A pair of biologists is studying terns on a rock island just off the coast.
While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of
thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law
enforcement refuses to investigate.
On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested
grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to
pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of
smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the
soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the
trees.
The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:
Pot Farm Burns – No Tern Left Unstoned.

We’ve all heard about the “Old Corps” from those “Old Salts.” Here’s a story
I heard a while back, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s true.
Back in 1775, in Tun’s Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps.
The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He
was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistee’s to go through the
process. They would assemble later on the front yard.
After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps,
beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, “Son, let me
tell you about the Old Corps.”

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different
operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till
it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the
same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are
told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for
you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times
by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want
your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger
train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a
wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have
time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to
a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up
without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane
uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare.
Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want
and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach
tickets can’t even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and
piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they’re
building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13
airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain
hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who
it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself;
you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t
go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you
never need to leave home.

What is “pi”?
Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its
diameter.
Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and
delicious dessert!

After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons
from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident, which has
placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements
at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said
Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially
tragic accident and each nations’ team, separately, has arrived at identical
conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one
thing only…

Person: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Person: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Person: How do you spell that?

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of
the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be
wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not
knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don`t we close all
the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work
!?”

Reaching the end of his job interview, the personal recruiter asked the
young engineer fresh out of college, “And, what starting salary were you
looking for?” The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what
would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
medical and dental, company matching retirement funds to 50% of salary, a
company leased Corvette every two years, and the salary you asked for?”
The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the
interviewer replied, “Yeah…but you started it!”

Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?

A. He talks about his business.

First we state that girls require time and money :-

Girls = Time x Money

And we know that time is money :-

Time = Money

Therefore :-

Girls = Money x Money

Girls = (Money)^2

And because ‘money is the root of all evil’

Girls = (Evil)^1/2 x (Evil)^1/2
Girls = Evil

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.
The optimist says the glass is half full.
The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it should be.

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.”

2. Economists can supply it on demand.

3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.

4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how
they turned out.

5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are
there.

6. If you rearrange the letters in “ECONOMICS”, you get “COMIC NOSE”.

7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get
taught that reward is its own virtue.

8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the
law of diminishing marginal utility.

9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something
to talk about.