Category: engineers

Lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling
it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she’s using
the ATM ‘thingy.’

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse
of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he’s captured by
cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he
plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he’s not released,
but the timing has to be just right. So, in he few words of the cannibals’
primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill
him.
The guard’s answer is, “Tradition has it that captives are to be killed
when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture
so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal”.
“Great”, the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, “But because everyone’s so excited about it, in
your case we’re going to wait until after the eclipse.”

Acronyms for International Airlines

Italy

ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival

ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia

Britain

BOAC = Better on a camel

Belgium

SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again

Pakistan

PIA = Please, Inform Allah

Yugoslavia

JAT = Joke About Time

Pacific Western Airlines

PWA = Pray While Aloft

PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines

Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines.

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true”, the woman
wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest
of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.” The doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering,
then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO
REFILLS.'”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how
this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed
in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on
my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very
keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from
the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes
slack.”

I needed to make a phone call while at the library. When I asked for change at
the counter, I was told that they didn’t give change for the phone, only for the
copy machine. So I asked for change for the copy machine and she gave it to me.

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000
and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occurred?

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s
no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by
many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from
the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to
drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few
of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at
the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even
if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16
oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer
until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that
come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely
new brew.

Windows 98 Beer
Looks just like Windows 95 beer, but has more fat. Actually has 32 oz. per can
this time even though they claim it has more than Windows 95 beer. Hardly
anybody is drinking it because they just figured out how to open the cans in
Windows 95 beer. Manufacturer claims this is a mnew and improved beer, what they
mean is the caught the brew master pissing in the Windows 95 beer and the
Windows 98 beer is minus these problems.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just
like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just
like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
“industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that
all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break
off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around
for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never
really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand
marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud
group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but
the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics
of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments.
When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told that
it’s proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by
the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally
ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I
ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm,
bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here
so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general
panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but
missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it
dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy
go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but
missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took
forever to get around them.”

A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days
later. A letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the
floppies.

When you over esteem great hackers,
More users become cretins.
When you develop encryption,
More users become crackers.

The Guru leads
By emptying user’s minds
And increasing their quotas,
By weakening their ambition
And toughening their resolve.
When users lack knowledge and desire,
Management will not try to interfere.

Practice not looping,
And everything will fall into place.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his
back and let him program.