Category: education

Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class if anyone can use the
word “beautiful” in a sentence. Little Johnny starts waving his
hand in the air immediately.

The teacher calls on little Mary. Little Mary says, “The sunset
last night was beautiful.” “Wonderful”, says the teacher. Next
she calls on little Susie.

Little Susie says, “There are some beautiful flowers in front of
the school.” “Terrific, little Susie”, says the teacher.

Finally she calls on Johnny. Little Johnny says, “My sister’s
got beautiful tits!” “Johnny!!!”, says the teacher in shock.
“You can’t…how could you…that’s not the sort of thing…you
have to be punished! Tonight you have to think up a sentence
using the word “beautiful” in it twice and tomorrow morning
you’ll tell it to the whole class.”

The next morning she makes Johnny come up to the front of the
class to recite his sentence. Little Johnny says, “Last night my
sister told daddy she was pregnant and daddy said, “Beautiful,
just fuckin’ beautiful.””

One day there were 3 mexicans(they do speak good english)
crossing the boarder. The cops pull them over and asked for
their green card. The first mexican said,” We dont have any
green cards but is there any way we can get out of it.” The cops
said,”If u can give me a sentence using green, yellow, and pink
I’ll let u guys go.” So he asked the first 2 mexicans and they
were all confused. The third mexcans said with his mexican
accent, “Sure i do it ‘The fone went green, green I pink it up
and say yellow'”

Johnny who didn’t like use the school’s bathroom so he went
behind the school in the bushes. One day a couple of his friends
were coming near him so Johnny quickly wiped his butt with his
hands. His friends asked, “What’s in your hand Johnny?” “My
little leprechaun.” “No, seriously what’s in your hand Johnny?”
“My little leprechaun.” Then his friends got mad and said, “If
you don’t tell us what’s in your hand then we’ll tell the
teacher.” He replied, “My little leprechaun.” So he was sent to
his teacher

His teacher asked him the same question, “What’s in your hand
Johnny?” But all he said, “My little leprechaun.” So she got mad
with him and took him straight down to the principal’s office.

The principal asked him, “So, Johnny, What’s in your hand?” “My
little leprechaun.” “Johnny, please tell us what’s in your
hand.” “My little leprechaun.” “Johnny, if you don’t tell me
what’s in your hand then I’m going to spank you!” Johnny replied
with a simple, “My little leprechaun.” So the principal spanked
him and shit went flying every where. Johnny said to the
principal, “Look what you did! You scared the shit out of my
little leprechaun!”

One day a kid named Daniel was asked to stay after class to
talk to his teacher because he got in trouble. Instead of
staying after his teacher told him “Ill let you go if I can have
sex with you.” Daniel said ok because he had to hury home.
When Daniel reaches home he tells his mom hes feeling bad
because he just had sex with his teacher. His mother said “Go
into your and wait till your father gets home, and think of the
mistake you made.”
(2 hours later)His father comes home and his mother tells
him what Daniel has done. So his father walks to his room proud
of his son, cause he just had sex for the first time. He says to
Daniel “Son, I’m very proud of you you just had sex for the very
first time in your life. Would you like to go to Toys R’ Us to
get the bike you wanted for your birthday that you never got?”
Daniel replies,”Well I would but can we go tomorrow? Because my
butt still hurts from when i had sex.”

Johny was in kindergarden. He had to use the restroom so he
raised his hand and Mrs. Linda said, “Yes Johny What is it?” He
asked her if he could go to the restroom. She said, “You know
the rule. You have to say your ABC’s first.” So he began, “A b c
d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.” The teacher
replied, Johny, you forgot the ‘p’.” He said, “No I didn’t. ‘P’
is running down my legs!”

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and
him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the
second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost
whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the
wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t
any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the
boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you
say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear
them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered
up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed them
in the toes of my boots…”

how is binladen like fred flinston? when he looks through the
window he sees rubble!

A teacher is in the class with three blind kids. She tells them,
“If any of you can clap your hands three times I’ll give you an
ice cream cone.”

The first kid claps his hands once and misses twice.

The second kid claps his hands twice and misses once.

The third kid claps his hands three times. The teacher says,
“Good job.” Then, she gives him an ice cream cone. He opens his
mouth and smashed the ice cream on his forehead.

DON’T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the
instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as
fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.

FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you
can!

What is:

2+2?

4+4?

8+8?

16+16?

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5

Got it?

Now scroll down

The number you picked was 7, right?

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don’t stop crossing your
eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your
spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think
that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat
your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your
father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were
born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to
be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your
father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it
when we get home.”

and the all time favorite thing–JUSTICE “One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see
what it’s like.”

Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all
students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately
placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are
especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you
can handle.

Students who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to
go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our
lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don’t have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management
and consulting, we will refer you to the department of
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in
their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.,
they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your
time.

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity
Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)

University of Illinois Entrance exam

Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – or –
give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army
d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope? a. Jewish
b. Catholic c. Hindu d. Polish e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion – – how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America’s far north called?
a.westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners

9. Spell – Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy’s b. 7-11 c. Canada
d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
a. yes b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium – or – spell
your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. FLORIDA c. Canada d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY