Category: education

1. Hold office chair races in the hallways.

2. Take bets on above.

3. When your roomate is in the bathroom puking from drinking to
much… charge admission to watch.

4. Do the same when he is having sex.

5. Post a “masturbation schedule” in your room allocating
specific times at which you and your roomate are to be given “Me
Time.”

6. Alter fraternity/sorority recruitment posters to say funny
things (i.e. I once changed a frat sign with a slogan of “Real
Men Wear Black” to “Real Men Are Black”)

7. Give wake up calls at six in the morning to all the people
who were out drinking the night before. (Particularly fun if you
had to stay in and study)

8. Greet your new roomate wearing nothing but a smile.

9. In a room without bunk beds still ask if you can sleep on top.

10. Walk from room to room wearing only a towel.

11. Pass out flyers for a non-existent party to be held at
someone else’s room at 2 in the morning, then wait outside their
door and see who shows up.

12. Walk into the rooms of people you don’t know and,without
saying anything, make yourself at home, sit on their bed, turn
on their TV, go through their CD’s etc.

13. Insist on calling your roomate Dave.

14. Walk up and down the halls singing the Meow Mix theme song.

15. Whenever something odd happens like a door closes without
anyone around or you hear a strange noise… blame it on the
rabid maneating chinchilla.

16. When freshman are lost give them very specific incorrect and
confusing directions.

17. Post strange notices in the hallways like “All upper-class
freshman report to the Dining Hall Parking lot for Epidermal
inspections”

18. Post notice like above but for “All cars in the freshman lot
to be moved to…” and then make up a non-existant lot like
“Viar’s Field Lot”

19. When asked for directions to the above lot give very
specific incorrect directions.

20. Leave cryptic notes on those dry erase message boards that
people put on their doors (i.e. Rosebud or The Crow Flies at
Midnight)

21. Steal markers from message boards in #20, or if they have
tied a string to it to keep people from stealing it, steal the
string and leave the pen.

22. Point and laugh at the young republicans, taunt them by
saying “you’re a walking oxymoron”

23. In the laundry room, see how many people you can fit in a
dryer.

24. See how many people of the opposite sex you can get to make
out with you.

25. See how many people of the same sex you can get to make out
with you.

26. Go around asking to borrow small sums of money, never more
than a dollar… see how much you can make.

27. Ask to borrow odd items from people on your hall (i.e. a
single sock, toilet paper tubes, empty beer bottles, cigarette
butts) then return it several days later in a mangled condition.

28. Build forts out of your empty take-out containers.

29. Take all your stuff into the nearest lounge and insist that
it is your room.

30. During fire drills run around frantically screaming “We’re
all going to die!” When they tell you it’s just a drill, fall to
your knees crying “Why do they toy with us like this!”

31. Introduce yourself to different people using a different
name, place of origin, and accent each time. See how long you
can maintain the charade.

32. Intercept other people’s Pizza’s in the lobby and take them
for yourself.

33. Fill condom with water, freeze, place in strategic location.

34. Have sex in your roomate’s bed.

35. Offer other’s money to have sex in your roomate’s bed… see
if anyone takes up the offer.

36. When you see somone posting flyers go along behind them
tearing them down.

37. Order pizza for the whole dorm in your roomates name!

38. Insist your roomate take down all his posters because you
don’t like them staring at you when you undress. (i.e. I don’t
like the way Jim Morrison is staring at my ass)

39. Do the same as above but regarding their stuffed animals.

40. When your roomates parents call, tell them that their
son/daughter can’t talk right now because they’re having sex (or
because they are passed out drunk, hight, etc.)

41. Buy all the condoms from the condom machine on friday, and
on saturday sell them at elevated prices.

42. Hide gay porn in discreet locations in the rooms of your
more homophobic friends.

43. Find and befriend as many lesbians as possible… just
because.

44. Take a condom, put a couple of drops of lotion or shampoo (I
find pantene works well) and place in a strategic location.

45. Same as above but with actual semen (if it is readily
available to you)

46. Start a conga line… go from door to door … see if you
can get the whole dorm to join.

One day, a teacher told her class to say their father’s
occupation, spell it then say what he would give them if he was
there today.
Marie stood up.
“My daddy is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he
would give us all a shiny new penny.” she said.
“Very nice, Marie. Next!”
Jamie stood up.
“My daddy is a baker. B-A-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would
give us all a fresh cookie.” he said.
“Very nice, Jamie.” said the teacher.
Harry stood up.
“My daddy is an accountant. A-K-K…” he began but he was
quickly cut off again as the teacher told him to sit down and
think about it.
“While Harry finds out how to spell accountant, Johnny, you go.”
Johnny stood up.
“My daddy is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. If he was here today he
would give 20:1 odds that Harry won’t be able to spell
accountant!

It is the first day of the kindergarten, the teacher asked all the
children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the
second row, he said, “I’ll give you a hint. First it’s in your hand, then
it’s in your mouth, and then it’s in your tummy.” “OK, Dick, sit down,”
the teacher said.

1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven’t had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc…, school just
sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink.

6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the “hands on” experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and
was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.
This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk,
the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.
He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised
its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the
wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and
stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

There is much concern that Induhviduals are trying to pass themselves off
as DNRC members. If you are in doubt about a particular person’s
Induhviduality, simply administer this IQ quiz (Induhviduality Quotient):

1. What is the capital letter in Russia?

2. If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what’s the big deal about
multiplication anyway?

3. Titanium is:

A. A big boat that sank
B. A vulgar latin term
C. A long-haired performer who plays the ukelele

4. When you close the refrigerator door, what happens to the light inside?

A. Nobody knows because it’s dark in there
B. It gets trapped inside because it’s not as fast as you might think
C. It combines with the yogurt to make “Light Yogurt.”

5. If you bang your head against your keyboard, it feels good as soon as
you:

A. Stop
B. Become unconscious
C. 0;Hijejnkh9*&^^^jnnlwj

6. If you are planning to be in a relay race and you can’t find a baton,
a
good substitute would be:

A. Scissors
B. Hand grenade
C. Soap

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one
could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because
I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He
asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my
family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the
advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he
wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million
dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1
million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Little Jimmy Keller was 7 now and still sucking his thumb. His
parents wanted him to stop so badly. Jimmy was in the habit and
couldn’t get out. His father would yell at him for it. They
would threaten taking away video games and sports and even TV.
Even this didn’t make Jimmy stop. They got very fed up with
their son.

Finally Jimmy’s mother explained to Jimmy that if he keeps
sucking his thumb his stomach will explode. Jimmy was a bit
scared then. His mother hoped that would work. The next day
Jimmy, his mom, and sister were walking in the park. Jimmy saw a
pregnant woman sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. Jimmy
quickly ran over there and said, “I know what you’ve been doing!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out
some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody
caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third
time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a
season pass?”

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a
discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the
following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the
third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission
to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the
professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the
following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Again,
silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
“Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that
our professor has no brain!”

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in the class the first half ot the proverb, and asked
them to come up with the rest. Hers are the children’s responses.

Better to be safe than…………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the………………….bug is close.
It is always darkest before………..daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of……termites.
You can lead a horse to water but…..how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………..looks dirty.
No news is……………………….impossible.
A miss is as good as a…………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog…………math.
If you lie down with dogs, you……..will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust…………………..me.
The pen is mighter than……………the pigs.
An idle mind is…………………..the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there’s………pollution.
Happy is the bride who…………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is………………….not much.
Two is company, three’s……………The musketeers.
None are so blind as………………Helen Keller.
Children should be seen not………..spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed………get new batteries.
When the blind lead the blind………get out of the way.
There is no fool like……………..Aunt Edie.
Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and………………………..you have to blow your nose.
Get out of something what you………see pictured in the box.

Little Johny was at home doing his math homework. He said to
himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.” In that moment, his
mother comes in and hears what he is saying. “Johny, what are
you doing?! Why are you saying that?” Little Johny answered,
“I’m doing my math homework.” She said, “And is that what your
teacher taught you?” He replied, “Yes”

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is
receiving, goes to Little Johny’s school to talk to the teacher.

The mother said to his math teacher, “I would like to know what
you are teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right
now, we are learning addition problems.”

Little Johny’s mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” When the teacher
stopped laughing she replied, “Not at all! What I taught them
was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.”