Category: education

I was going to my son’s first kindergarten conference last year
when his teacher said something very interesting. We arrived at
his school, which was also part of the town church. There was a
sign on the door that said “Conferences Inside” and so we
entered. Sure enough there was his teacher and she motioned us
to sit down. She was a very religous person, so when we were
settled she said “Let us pray.” Before she could continue and
pray my wife blurted out “Oh my lord is it really that bad?”

a boy stayed after school for a few tests one day. the teacher
ask him “i have something in my hand it is a fruit, it is red,
and it is round” the boys says oooooh i know it’s an apple the
teacher said no its a tomato but i like the way you think. the
next question came along and the teacher ask him i have
something in my hand it is long and yellow the boy says ooooh i
know it is a squash the teacher says no but i like the way you
think. this time the boy says i have a question for you. he
reaches into his pockets and puts his hands on his dick and rubs
it and says his question in a horny way “i have something in my
pocket, it is hard and it has a head on it” the teacher says “GO
TO THE OFFICE!” the boys says its a quarter but i like the way
you think.

A Third Grade teacher asks her class to use a three syllable
word in a sentance. Three students raise their hands… the
third one was dirty Johnny. The teacher ignores his waving hand
and calls on Sally.

“Beautiful,” Sally says. “My teacher is beautiful!” “Why, thank
you Sally,” the teacher laughs. “Anyone else?”

Again three students raise their hands including dirty Johnny,
and once again the teacher ignores his hand. She calls on Darcy.
“Wonderful. My teacher is wonderful!” Once again the teacher
thanks her little students and asks for more hands.

This time the only hand raised is little Johnny’s. So the
teacher reluctantly calls on him. “Urinate,” yells Johnny.
“Johnny!,” says the teacher, “That was very rude!” “Urinate, but
if your tits were bigger you’d be a ten!”

A little boy and his father were walking through a field when
the came across two dogs doing the nasty. The boy, very curious
about what was happening, turned to his father and asked him
what they were doing. The father, trying to make his answer as
subtle as possible replied, “They are making puppies.”

Later that night the little boy awoke from his sleep and wanted
a drink of water. He walked over to his parents room and caught
them screwing. The boy, not knowing what was happening, asked
his father what they were doing. The father replied, “We are
making you a little brother.” To this the boy said, “Turn mom
over, I’d rather have a puppy!”

The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.

“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.

“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,”
replies the voice.

“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice. “I hope
it is alright.”

“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who
is calling?”

“Sure. This is my father!”

Recently, a group of mathmaticians came to find a disturbing way
to prove that lawyers are evil (like we didn’t already know
that). It goes something like….

The more money and time you have to waste, the more lawyers you
need to defend you. So…

MONEY x TIME = LAWYERS

We all know that TIME is MONEY, so we can use substitution to
find that…

MONEY x MONEY = LAWYERS

Now another thing that is said a lot is that MONEY is the root
of all EVIL. So therefore…
______
MONEY = / EVIL

Again we can use substitution to find that…
______ ______
/ EVIL x / EVIL = LAWYERS

Or, more simply…

EVIL = LAWYERS

We were right all along.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two
finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate. The other
finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the
contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute
or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”. The Duke
graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he
jumped up and recited the following poem:
——————————
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
——————————
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in
the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
——————————
Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Well one day this teacher was trying to explain evolution to her
kindergarten class. She uses a little boy named Tommy to help
her. This is what happened that day.

Teacher: Tommy can you go outside and look at the tree?
Tommy: Ok
(Tommy goes outside looks at the tree and comes back in)
Teacher: Did you see the tree?
Tommy: Yep.

Teacher: Ok, now I want you to go outside and look at the grass.
(Tommy goes outside looks at the grass and comes back in.)
Teacher: Tommy, did you see the grass?
Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Ok. Tommy, go back outside and look at the sky.
(Tommy goes outside looks at the sky and comes back in)
Teacher: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yea.

Teacher: Ok now one last time Tommy. I want you to go outside
and look back up into the sky.
Tommy: Ok.
(Tommy goes back outside and looks back at the sky.)
Teacher: Now Tommy, did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That’s right. Because He’s not there.

(Then a six year old girl stands up and asks the teacher if she
could do something. The teacher said fine.)
Girl: Tommy go back outside and look at the tree.
Tommy: (A little annoyed) OOOOKKK.
(Tommy looks at it and comes back in.)
Girl: Did you see it?
Tommy: YES!!

Girl: Ok Tommy, now look at the teacher.
(Tommy looks)
Girl: Do you see her?
Tommy: Yea.

Girl: Did you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Girl: Well with what she just taught us today she must not have
one.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.
It’s time to go to school!”

“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the
Principal!”

My high school dropout is sleeping with your honor student.

10)Kidnap a teacher. Force them to listen to a tape of
themselves until they go insane.

9) Start a bonfire using all of the schools textbooks.

8) Go around your school claiming you are the result of a
science experement gone horribly wrong. Then foam at the mouth.
Watch the fun!!

7) Seize control of the PA system for one day. Let out the dark
secrets of the administrators in the school.

6) Join the school newspaper and reveal the true mystery behind
“Mystery meat.”

5) Release Livestock into the building

4) Put Jello in all of the schools toilets.

3) Go up to the vice principal. Pat him on the back and say
“It’s ok. I promise I won’t tell anyone that you used to be a
woman.” Then wink at him and walk away.

2) If you are taking a test, answer all the questions in a
foriegn language. When the teacher asks about this, argue that
there is no english requirement.

1) Pull the fire alarm during a tornado warning.

Top 10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10. Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9. Is lighter fluid flammable?
8. What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7. Are knives sharp?
6. Can sharks hurt a human?
5. What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4. Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3. Can I eat glass without cutting up my insides?
2. Can dogs talk?
1. Do storks really bring babies to people?