Yours Fun Portal !
A nursery school teacher was driving a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she
said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished?
Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is
open, it’s not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of
progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it
just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the
self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
The Washington Post published a contest for readers
in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings
for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks
you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
One day a little girl walked into the bathroom,she went to the
4th stall.In this 4th stall she saw things about her with her
name on it.Than she saw the dummy who wrote it.The next day when
a teacher was in the bathroom the girl came in.The girl
said”What the hell do you think your doing in here you
bitch!”than te teacher came out and the girl turned red and was
suspended.By the way she was a blonde!
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty
well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such
that going into the final they had a solid ‘A’. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday,
they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with
some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all
day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and
couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back
to campus.
Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and
relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day
at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told
them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they
thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and
then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) Which tire?
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the
church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing
who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.”
“Boys, boys, boys!” he scolded. “I’m shocked. When I was your
age, I never even thought about sex.”
In unison they all replied, “You win!”
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out
of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”
The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age.
You’ll learn this as you get older.”
The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t
talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, “Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,
“Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t
want to talk about it now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about
her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you
have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license.
It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you
everything.”
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old
you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you
know that?”
The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how
much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the
word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”
First little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The
teacher says, “Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange
depending on the weather.”
Second, a little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.” “Sorry,
but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold,” said the
teacher.
Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks,
“Does a fart have lumps?” The teacher looks horrified and says,
“Johnny! That’s disgusting. Of course not!” “OK… then I have
definitely shit in my pants,” said Johnny.
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, “I
can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do
you think it is because I am a blonde?” Her mother replied, “Of
couse it is, dear.”
The next day, the blonde said, “I can say the alphabet higher
then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a
blonde?”
Her mother replied, “Of course it is dear!”
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked
her mother, “I have bigger breasts then all the kids in my
class, do you think its because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, “No dear, I’m sorry, I think it is because
you are eighteen years old.”
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going
to let de children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a
sponge.”
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. “Johnny, who
signed the Declaration of Independence?” He said, “Damn if I
know.” She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him
to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the
room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got
back to the boy. “Now, Johnny, I’ll ask you again. Who signed
the Declaration of Independence?” “Well, hell, teacher,” Johnny
said, “I told you I didn’t know.” The father jumped up in the
back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, “Johnny, if
you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!”
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned
around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding
none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger
letters, the word “penis” again on the black board. Again, she
looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s
word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board, but instead, found the words: “The more
you rub it, the bigger it gets!”