Category: education

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(this is for the footballers)

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t
wear pants

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (owww, why???)

No word in the English language rhymes with month

On average, people fear public speaking more than death.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
(and we know that because…)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist ( Ok, and I thought
the drill was bad)

The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to
remember the word you want.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once
the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The
professor noticed one of his students had attached a $100 bill
to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next
class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got
back his test and the $64 change.

A father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

In college, I used to DJ at my fraternity’s parties. I would sit
in the corner with the sound system, a microphone and a stack of
cold beers. Since I didn’t trust anyone with my CD’s and the
fact that girls would dance on a platform directly over my head,
I found it increasingly difficult to leave the DJ booth. I
eventually became so attached to that spot that I didn’t even
leave to pee. I would just duck down and drain my main vein into
a plastic cup. Sometimes girls would come to the booth to make
requests, and I would poke my head up to talk to them while I
was doing the deed below.

After one particularly long leak, I managed to fill up three
cups with warm fluid. I set them on the windowsill and continued
to party. At the end of the night, after the crowd had
dispersed, I went onto the dance floor to retrieve my CD cases.
To my surprise and amusement, the three cups of piss were
nowhere to be found!

Later that week, I heard rumors that some freshmen were bitching
about the warm Coors Light at our party that weekend.

Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think
about him/her?

Well,… if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you’d
better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I
expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight
in the eye.

“Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly… you could practice birth
control just by leaving the lights on!” And then I walked off the stage,
and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had
imagined it would forthe last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room,
where it proudly exclaims to the world:

“In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate
to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements:

– religion
– royalty
– sex
– mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

A little boy was playing and his mom told him not to go to far
away from the house. He said OK.

A little girl walked by and said, “would you walk me home?” and
he said, “my momma told me not to and I don’t think I wanna.”
“I’ll give you 5 pieces of bubble gum,” she said. He said OK.

Then she said, “walk me up to my room?” He said, “my momma told
me not to and I don’t think I wanna.” She said, “I’ll give you
10 pieces of bubble gum.” and he said OK.

Then she said, “take off your clothes.” “My momma told me not to
and I don’t think I wanna.” “I’ll give you 15 pieces of bubble
gum and he said OK. He’s now standing there butt-naked.

“Do pushups on me.” “My momma told me not to and I don’t think I
wanna.” “I’ll give you 20 pieces of bubble gum.” OK.

Her mom walks in and says, “get off my daughter!” and he says,
“my momma told me not to and I don’t think I wanna!”

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK some people 50 YEARS TO LEARN.

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.

3. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental
illness.”

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
11.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be “meetings.”

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
a nice person.

18. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL
NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.

19. Your friends love you, anyway.

FUNNY THOUGHTS
“You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.”
– Sacha Guitry

Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His
mother asks, “So, what did you learn at school today?” Little
Johnny replies, “NOT ENOUGH. They want me to come back tomorrow!”

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say, “oh geez, better get cracking,” and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre,
I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor’s left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start
talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this.
I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume
at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I
have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the
papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell
out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this
process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know
one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman
numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move
to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB.BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light
bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up
to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the
phantom of the opera,” until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing
loudly, say, “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on
this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword
and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise
you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment, “Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit.”

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say, “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to
find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t
forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks.”

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask
a few of the children examples of words with more than one
syllable.

“Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?”

“After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.”

“Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon……day”

“Does anyone know another word.”

“I do! I do!” replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike
instead.

“OK Mike, what is your word.”

“Saturday.” says Mike.

“Great, that has three syllables…”

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says “I know a four syllable
word. Pick me! Pick me!”

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the
teacher reluctantly says, “O.K. Johnny what is your four
syllable word?”

Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.”

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, “Wow,
Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly is a mouthful.”

“No Ma’am, you’re thinking of ‘blowjob’, that’s only two
syllables!”

The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a “walk” and the students
were free to leave — with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which
“jumped” ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it
were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated
construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one
were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause
the clock to “jump” ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock (this particular professor was not
the most punctual, and the students considered him severely
“absent-minded”). A few well-aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes
were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the
professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told
the class, “You have one hour to complete the examination”.

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully “jumped” the clock forward one hour, he ended the
class and collected the exam papers.