Category: education

(Sung to the Notre Dame fight song)

Stand up and cheer for girls who give head, they’ll bring back your limp
dick right from the dead, they’ve got knee pads on their slits, and plenty
of chapstick for their lips. Some like to cornhole, some like to screw,
but I like the ones who will pump out my gew, spit or swallow I don’t
care, as long as her head is there.

At the end of the month, most girls will agree, it’s time for a little
tonsole hockey, when your big balls slap her chin, you’ll know that you
can’t get much more in.

So stand up and cheer for the girls in the spa, the ones who suck cock,
they know who they are. Later on when we’re pumping gew, we’ll know who
they are too.

20 things to do in school to get u in trouble

1. Walk into school, entirely in black with your hand shaped
like a gun in your pocket. If anyone questions you…. claim
your going to shoot everyone at school with your finger. ( hold
your hand in a gun motion in the air)

2. Walk up to the school counceler, drop to your knees and
scream “THE VOICES, THE VOICES……all of u SHUT UP!!!!!”

3. Walk up to a teacher of the opposite sex and ask them to ge
to dinner with u tonight.

4. Ask school nurse about viagra. ( or vagisil, condoms,
lubricant)

5. Drop a love note in best guy friends locker…….signed by a
another guy.

6. Try to fit inside your locker. If u are questioned simply say
“I need to get away from it all”

7. Ask the school counceler if anyone has ever commited suicide,
if the answer is yes, act excited and ask exactly how they did
it.

8. Write on the mirror in the teacher’s bathroom “I can see u”

9. Hand your math paper in with scribbles insted of answer..
when asked to explain say ” i was just trying to bring
creativity to the class”

10. Hand out invitations to Little Johnny’s funeral to all the
teachers.

11. Divise a code using only coughs.

12. If the teacher tells you u have a detention or to put your
name on the bored annonce to her you know she’s one of THEM.

13. Explain to the school pricipal there is a conspiricy against
you when he askes you why, back away with a frightened
expression saying “Your in it to, You all are trying to kill me”

14. Ask the teacher for a pencil, after she hands it to you,
turn around and ask one of the students for another
pencil.(while putting the teacher’s pencil in your pocket)

15. When the furrnace kicks on, raise your hand and ask “Does
anyone smell gas?”

16.Refuse to play in gym class, insisting you have a phobia of
sticks and balls.

17. While playing in trivia in class, ask if you can go to the
office to phone a friend.

18. Walk down the hall after a test, singing i’m a survivor..(
Before a test sing i will survive)

19. Answer all teachers questions with a loud and sudden “BEEP”

20. Claim u lost somthing very valuable, compile a search party
after you have everyone around the school searching. pull the
item out of your pocket screaming NEVERMIND!!!!”

1. COMMENT ……………………… 2. INTERPRETATION

A born leader …………………….. Mafia “Godfather” type

Easy going …………………….. Lazy

Lively nature …………………….. Thoroughly disruptive

A sensitive child ……………….. Never stops whining

Helpful ………………………… Pest

Reliable ……………………….. Informs on classmates

Co-operative ……………………. Teacher’s pet

Difficulty forming stable relationships .. I can’t stand him
either

Self confident ………………….. Cheeky little s.o.b.

Friendly ……………………….. Never shuts up

Easily distracted …………… Has not produced a decent
piece
of work all year

Needs encouragement …………… Thick as a brick

Is easily upset …………….. Spoiled rotten

Clever with hands …………… Light fingered

Reads well aloud ……………. In love with his/her voice

Inclined to day dream ………… In one ear and out the other

A quiet child ……………. Lacks self confidence and
initiative

A solitary child …………… Personal hygiene problems

A vivid imagination ………… Never short of an excuse

Open to suggestion ………….. No mind of his own

An inquisitive mind ………… Caught playing doctors and
nurses

Popular with classmates ……… Brings in obscene reading
material

Easily influenced ………….. The class fallguy

Expresses himself clearly ……. Swears like a trooper

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she
asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbours?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally…

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A boy got really bad test results in an exam and he didnt want
his mum to find out.
A girl came up to him and asked if he’d walk her home, but he
said “i would if i could but i can’t” the girl threatened him
and said she tell his mum about his test results if he didn’t so
the boy walked her home. She then asked if he would go up to her
room with her, he said “i would if i could but i can’t.” The girl
threatened him with the test results again so he went up to her
room. She then asked if he put would his dick in her pussy but
he said
“i would if i could but i cant.” The girl threatened him with
the test results again so he did.
After half an hour the girl asked the boy to take his dick out,
to which he replied “i would if i could but i can’t”

One day in the first grade class, the teacher asked the class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “A doctor?”

“And why’s that?” asked the teacher.

“Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to
take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the
bill.”

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their
eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine
cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like
you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of
cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put
honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the
children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

—————————————————————–

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

One day Johnny was doing his homework. He was up to spelling and
he needed to spell harasment. His teacher told him to have a
parent recite the words so they can practice writing it so
Johnny looks up to his mother and says, “Mom, how do you spell
harasment?” His mother replies, “You know I can’t tell you. Just
sound it out.” With that Johnny wrote down on the paper.

The next day at school Johnny’s teacher calls him to the front
of the class and asks him to use harasment in a sentence. Johnny
holds his paper up to his face and looks down at number 10. “Her
ass meant so much to me.”

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God…!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes…can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life … quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)

A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew…? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

If youre bored in class and want to wreak havoc, try one of the
following:

1. If the teacher is the same sex, wink at them often when they
make eye contact. If this does not seem to disturb them, stop
immediately.

2. Masturbate.

3. If the teacher is bald(ing) have them come over to help you
with your assignment. Then fix your hair while staring at their
scalp.

4. Say you have to go to the bathroom because you…. (choose
one)
a. need a smoke
b. are going to take the girl that sits in front of you along
c. are meeting his wife/her husband there

5. If they have a daughter/son attending the school, raise your
hand and tell them that you ran out of condoms and they need to
remind their son/daughter to pick some up.

6. When they walk past, grab their buttocks and pretend you were
just working… dont worry theyll be too shocked to ask. (maybe)

7. Tell them their fly is open and then run up to the front of
class while theyre bent over to check and kick them in the
face…. or just laugh.

8. Raise your hand and announce that you finally destroyed all
of the dancing pixies and they wont bother you in class
anymore…then fake a seizure.

9. Pretend your invisible… (have some fun with that one)

10. Start your desk on fire.

11. Fart and blame it on the teacher.

12. Hit yourself in the face repeatedly and blame it on the
teacher.

13. Go to the office and say the Sex Ed. teacher is talking
dirty.

14. In history, yell that you were the man on the grassy knoll.

15. Start yourself on fire.

16. Smile the whole time while your teacher is lecturing.
Always make eye contact.

17. Lick your seat and tell everybody your guess of who was in
it last.

18. Raise your hand once and say you like their shirt. Then
five minutes later say you like their shirt. Then keep saying
it every 30 seconds for five minutes. Then every five seconds
until they hit you. Sue. 🙂

Oh, by the way, dont really do most of this unless you like
severe penalties, in that case add some of your own!!! 🙂