Category: education

A teacher liked to play guessing games with her students to
enhance some of their senses. One day she blindfolded several
children and handed each of them a cherry lifesaver.

“Ok, who can tell me what the flavor is?” she asked.
Susie yelled “Me, me, me!”, waving her arm in the air.
“Ok, Susie, go ahead.” said the teacher.
“It’s cherry!” Susie said proudly.
“That’s right, very good, Susie.” the teacher replied.

Next the teacher passed out orange flavored lifesavers, and
asked again who could tell her the flavor.

Billy waved his arm and said “I can! I can!”
Billy correctly identified the flavor, and the teacher passed
out another lifesaver to each child.

This time she had them stumped. She had found an unusual honey
flavored lifesaver and decided to see if anyone could guess it.

“Can anyone guess the flavor of this lifesaver?”

When nobody answered after a couple of minutes, she said “Ok,
class, I will give you a hint….it’s what your mommy calls your
daddy.”

This time Lil JOhnny jumped up and yelled, “Everybody! Quick,
spit it out! It’s an asshole!”

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen

2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.

4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.

5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.

6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.

7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald’s Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II).

8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.

9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.

10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).

11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.

12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.

13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.

14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t

15. If you go to Walmart more than 3 times a week.

16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it’s “free”, even though it sucks.

17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.

18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class.

19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them.

20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.

21. If your social life consists of a date with the library.

22. If your idea of “doing your hair” is putting on a baseball cap.

23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.

24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that’s
all you have.

25. If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit
to class.

26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.

27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter.

28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.

29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women.
(whichever your preference)

30. If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages.(he he he)

31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.

32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.

33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room.

34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen
Noodles.

35. If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo.

36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.

37. If you get more e-mail than mail……

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN…

– that it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class I’d
sleep right through it.

– that I would change so much and barely realize it.

– that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

– that college kids throw airplanes, too.

– that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you’re so
dressed up.

– that every clock on campus shows a different time.

– that if you were smart in highschool – so what?

– that I would go to a party the night before a final.

– that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put
together.

– that you can know everything and fail a test.

– that you can know nothing and ace a test.

– that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my
roomie.

– that home is a great place to visit.

– that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.

– that friendship is more than getting drunk together.

– that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.

– that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

– that Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.

– that psychology is really biology, biology is really
chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really
math.

– that it is a really good idea to go places alone.

– that it’s possible to be alone even when you’re surrounded by
friends.

– that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

– don’t be dismayed at goodbyes.

– a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting
again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are
friends.

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber
for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production,
contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as
a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is
the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees?… There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a
company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much
capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock
options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed,
because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers.
The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is
down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks
vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good
move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home
and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes
into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal,
mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets
lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his
kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the
company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom
for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL
programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the
probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own
as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Two college football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old
MacDonald had a _________.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he
needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure
the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

“Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t
noticed then he turned to Bubba.

“Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a
farm.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2
pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.

Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how
do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E
-I-E-I-O.”

101. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door
screaming, “Let me in. Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking
you out.
102. Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.
103. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at
him/her for not listening to you.
104. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
105. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a
headache.
106. Start a brothel.
107. Constantly slip and fall — on your carpet.
108. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: “If it’s yellow let it
mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” Check every time to make sure he/she
follows it.
109. Invite the Dean to sleep over.
110. Invite the school President to sleep over.
111. Invite your roommate to sleep over.
112. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your
roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
113. Walk into walls.
114. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
115. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m
melting!”
116. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare
at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
117. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, “I’m
watching you.”
118. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back
and forth outside your window saying, “Speedy Delivery!” until he/she
comes out.
119. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned
into Gumby.
120. Open a can of HIS beans or spaghetti, empty it into his bed and then
replace the can in his cupboard.
121. Crumble a few packs of crisps into his bed…..they take ages to
clear off again.
122. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating
(useful, as my house mate can’t wire a plug up).
123. Move all of his furniture outside.
124. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
125. Smash your roommate’s favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around
your naked body, running around the apartment screaming “Fly, be Free!
Fly, be Free!”
126. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set
around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
127. Invite your roomie to play catch out in the yard. Every time you
catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
128. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start
again.
129. Complain about your menstrual cramps. Loudly. This works best, of
course, if you happen to be male.
130. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and
scream “Maggots! Maggots!” Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice
and finish eating.
131. Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of
France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and
go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
132. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
133. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite
and God awfully rude every sentence.
134. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the
fort for an entire weekend.

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady
was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given to her
for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor
that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate
disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judges eyes.
You’re a school teacher, eh?” he said. “madam, i shall realize
my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a school
teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘i
will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was
supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research.
His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

“Sir, why don’t you take the day off today”, he said, “I’ve
heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I
can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax.”

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick
and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.
When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the
chauffeur’s hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture
hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an
excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the
scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked,
just as his master always does, “Are there any questions?”

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long
question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter.
The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull
himself together.

“That, professor, is a very simple question,” he answered, “in
fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it.”

A little girl and her mom were driving in a car when suddenly a
question came to mind the little asked her mother ” Mother is
god black or white?” the mother answered “Whell, honey god is
both black and white.” then the little girl asked ” Mother is
god gay or straight?” “Well, god is both gay and straight.” said
the mother. Then the little girl asked “Is god a man or a woman”
The mother answered ” HOney god is both a man and a woman” then
a question came to mind in the little girl that she had to know
she said ” Mother! is God Micheal Jackson?”

The teacher asked the third grade class to use the word
“contagious” in a sentence.

Ben raised his hand and said, “The measles are contagious.”

Emma followed up with, “The chicken pox are contagious.”

Little Johnny chimed in, “Me and my dad were watching the match
when I did my homework and the man across the street was
building a wall, it was raining. My dad said, ‘It’s gonna take
that cunt ages!'”

– You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

– Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren’t wearing any.

– At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re
not eating cereal.

– Your back goes out, but you stay home.

– You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

– It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

– Happy hour is a nap.

– You’re on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money
does.

– You say something to your kids that your mother said to you,
and you always hated it.

– You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on
your head the whole time.

– You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.

– All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your
age.

– Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

– It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

– Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

– Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

– The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

– Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

– It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

– Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

– You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

– You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t
care anymore.

three blondes were on an island they had nothing but a lamp they
one of the blondes rubed the lamp and a genie poped out and he
said “i will give you each one wish” so the first blond goes
well i am kinda dumb so i wish to be 40% smarter “POOF” he made
her a red head the second blond said i am very dumb i wish to be
40% smarter to “POOF” he made her a brown head the 3rd blonda
said i am kinda dumb i would like to be 40% more dumber “POOF”
he turned her into a man!