Category: education

i have a cool poem but i dont want to share it with you so
HHHHAAAAAAA

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say
that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is
turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you
can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable
scientific proof.

8. If it’s a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled
pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the
professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say
“He knows.” Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your
chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an
important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking
notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it “a secret admirer”. Get someone to
pass it to the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the
class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If
anyone asks, say you have Tourette’s syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks,
say “They were out of apples.”

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous
lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If it’s an English class, ask how the theory of relativity
relates to Shakespeare’s “Midsummer Night’s Dream”.

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of
class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and
ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the
classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that
you didn’t have time to eat breakfast.

21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is
your costume for the school play, and you didn’t have time to
change out of it.

22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami
animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class.
Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.

23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor’s
desk.

24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it
hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up,
claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to
see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks
before class.

26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold
medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes
or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you
have no memory of what just happened.

27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are
to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees,
lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the
class. If the professor objects, say that the students should
have a wide range of knowledge.

28. Switch the professor’s lecture notes with your history notes
from last term.

29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.

30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using
a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn’t see
any sign saying you couldn’t bring cameras.

31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have
the answer to a question.

32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the
professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework
assignment for art class.

33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze,
then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes
before the professor sneezes.

34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, “Hey! A
substitute! All right!” Claim that the real professor said you
could have lecture outside.

35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call
the professor a copycat.

36. If it’s a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with
New Folgers Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a
hidden camera.

37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.

38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister’s
modeling clay.

39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor
doesn’t know. Act angry when he/she doesn’t understand you.

40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people
you joined the wrestling team. Body slam anyone who doesn’t
believe you.

41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, “NOOOOOO! Not
him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again!
NOOOOOOOOO!” then run out of them room. See how many people
follow you.

42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.

43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on
them like you would normally.

44. Two words: American Gladiators.

45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. (“Relativity!
Relativity! Einstein rocks!”)

46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that
these trained animal shows aren’t what they used to be.

47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it
every 15 minutes.

48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly.
Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes
before the professor stops calling on you.

49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your
desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.

Dr. Seuss’ lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can’t resist passing it on.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he
called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You
were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the
world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000
Shekels on Goliath’.”

One day in school Mrs.Siber asked the students in the class a
question.
“Now kids please try to put the word fasinate in a sentence.”She
called on Mary.
“The zoo was very fasinating,”repied Mary.
“Very good, but i said to use fasinate.”said Mrs.Siber.Then she
called on Susie.
“I like to fasinate”said Susie.
“Sorry Susie but that sentence makes no sence” said
Mrs.Siber.She looked all around and saw that no one had there
hand raised except one boy Cory, but she didnt want to pick on
him because he had foul langage. Well,she called on him anyways.
“My sister has ten buttons”he said
“But what does that have to do with fasinate Cory?”
“Wait i am not done. She has such big boobies she can only
fasinate”

Ways to confuse your roomie

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down
and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlety.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo
Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that
it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with
the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring
you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn
it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a
couple of weeks.”
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to
what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.
Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the
trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include
a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents
(postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster or The Boog. Sacrifice
something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower.
Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame.
If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty
times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you
want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and
play it at least eight hours a day. If your roommate
complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your
primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a
baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from
it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close
and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her
bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to
visit your roommate when they’re not home, show them the
magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit
your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake
like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall
asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the phone for ten seconds then hang up.

This is an actual speech that a student gave to the entire
student
body for a friend to help him get elected to the student
government association.

“I know a man who is firm — he’s firm in his pants, he’s firm
in his shirt, his character is firm. but most… of all his
belief in you, the students fo Bethel is firm.”

“Jeff is a man who takes his point and pounds it in — If
necessary, he’ll take an issue and nail it to the wall. He
doesn’t attack things in spurts. he drives hard — pushing and
pushing until finally — he succeeds.”

“Jeff is a man who will go to the very end — even the climax,
for each and every one of you.”

“So vote for jeff for ASB Vice President — he’ll never come
between you and the best our high school can be.”

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked
questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They have
not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on
to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebe like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led
the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar, he
fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth
not live by sweat alone.”

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of “Guess the
Animal.” The first picture the teacher held up was a cat. “Okay, boys
and girls,” she said brightly, “can anyone tell me what this is?”

“I know, I know, it’s a cat!” yelled a little boy.

“Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?”

“That’s a dog!” piped up the same little boy.

“Right, again. And what about this animal?” she asked, holding up a
picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said,
“I’ll give you a hint, children…..it’s something your mother calls your
father.”

“I know, I know,” screamed Eddie. “It’s a horney bastard!”

One day three peole were late for school. One came in, half an
hour late, and said to the person in charge of coming in late:
“I’m sorry I’m late, sir but I was up Holly Lane.” The teacher
knows there is a town called Holy Lane miles away from the
school, and the boy looked tired. the teacher forgave him and
sent him to class.

Two hours later, another tired-looking boy walks in.His excuse
was also “I was up Holly Lane,” so, like the first boy, he is
allowed to go to class. The teacher thinks there must have been
a sport event in Holy Lane, so he is not bothered by the two
boys’ lateness.

A while later, a tired looking girl walks in. The teacher
smiles, and asks “I suppose you were up Holy Lane?”
The girl,shocked, said “I am Holly Lane.” The teacher is
shocked, but lets her through to go to class.

This, I admit is one of my worst jokes. To see more, go to
calum.8m.net .

It is Michigan week…here we go…

A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan
cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read “Here lies a
Michigan graduate and an honest man.” The little boy asked,
“Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?”

Coach Lloyd Carr is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan
game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed
by themselves.

Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player’s
life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why did Michigan replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza

Q: What does the average University of Michigan football player
get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool.

Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan University
campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.

– A West Virginia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-77. He
says to the driver “Got any ID?” the driver says, “Bout what?”

– Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

– Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Charleston, WV
burned down? Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park.

– What’s the best thing to come out of West Virginia? I-64.

– Why don’t W.V.U. football teams have ice on the sidelines? The
guy with the recipe graduated.

– How many W.V.U. freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None, its a second year course.

– How do you get a W.V.U. graduate off of your porch? Pay him
for the Pizza.

– The W.V.U. football team was placed in a remedial English
class. The professor asked the class, “Does anyone know what
comes after a sentence?” All of the players raised their hands.
“The appeal,” they shouted with Mountaineer pride.