Category: education

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The teacher made a note, “Take only one apple, God is watching!”
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A young boy wrote a note,
“Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

You know you’ve been out of college too long when…

– Your potted plants stay alive.

– Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

– You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

– 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

– You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

– You carry an umbrella.

– You watch the Weather Channel.

– Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

– You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

– Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

– You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

– Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

– You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

– Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

– You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

– Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

– You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

– Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

– MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

– You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not
condoms and pregnancy test kits.

– A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

– You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

– Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi
and Ho-ho’s.

– “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never
going to drink that much again.”

– Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

– You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going
to a bar.

– It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade
class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing
high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one
of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s
so funny, Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you
for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so
funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the
punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three
weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

What Reading Can Do
From Dilbert.

Reading is knowledge
Knowledge is power
Power corrupts
corrupton is a crime
crime doesn’t pay
if you keep reading you’ll go broke.

“It always seemed so harmless”

That’s what librarians want you to think.

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant
applying to colleges/universities. The author of this essay,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU

ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED
TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my
sensuous and godlike trombone playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an
abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.

Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when
I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I
balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot
to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning
clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

Can you believe this???

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________________

1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per
drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny
attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to
Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is
the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many
tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day
crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for
$40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a
Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes
and 3 4×4’s, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to
have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much
money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing
the hoe that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and
the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be
sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint
free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in
his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked
up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per
rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks
can he feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35
mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to
load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

12. If a girl is sitting next to you, say “Boy, your mustache is
really growing in nicely.” If a guy is sitting next to you, say
“That eyeshadow does wonders for you. You MUST tell me where you
got it.”

11. Declare war on the people on the other side of the room.
Take hostages using a can of silly string.

10. Take on multiple personalities–the more the better. Engage
in loud, boisterous conversations using each one of them.

9. Start a sing-along

8. Bring a whoopie cushion. Deflate it at random times. This
works well if several people are involved (trust me. I know.)

7. Make a sculpture out of all the pre-chewed gum wads under the
desks.

6. Pay someone $5 to eat the sculpture

5. Conduct several science experements like “How big of a
spitwad can you make” and “whats that smell?”

4. Duct tape someone to the wall.

3. If an announcement comes over the PA system, cower under your
desk and scream “NO! It’s those voices again!!”

2. Claim that you should be let go because the school didn’t
“read you your rights” when you were given the detention.

1. Bring CD’s of bands like ABBA, Grand Funk Railroad, Billy Ray
Cyrus, The Village People, and the Bee Gees. Threaten to play
them if you are not released.

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college.

B- Beer: It’s whats for dinner.

C- Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night
party.

D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks
pathetic.

E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking
party.

F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.

G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.

H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you
drank.

I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.

J- Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.

K- Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.

L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving
alcohol.

M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.

N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t
know.

O- Oh shit!: What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.

P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer.

Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the
morning. YUCK!

R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the
toilet.

S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were
drunk.

T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.

U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.

V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.

W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don’t mind eating after you’ve
consumed the whole bottle.

X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)

Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.

Z- Zima: Zomething Different.

I once had a science teacher who called a quiz, a quizacle. Well I asked
him……….”if you call quizes quizacles, what do you call tests?”

Johnny was made to take a part in his school play in order to
get a passing grade on his report card. Johnny stressed several
times that he could not remember the lines asigned to him to
recite. The night of the play came around and he again stressed
that he could not remember the lines he was to perform.

As his turn grew ever closer he studied his lines over and over
with little success in remembering them. Here is what Johnny was
supposed to recite. “Oh you alabaster witch, with turquoise eyes
and ruby lips, how you make my heart twitch, Shakespeare!”

As Johnny walked onto stage and saw the crowd looking intensely
at him his lines once again slipped from his mind. Here is what
he said. “Oh you Alabama Bitch, with turkey eyes and rubber
tits, how you make my asshole twitch, snake shit, bat shit, rat
shit, didn’t want to do this fucking play anyway.”

The teacher asked a student:
Robot,do you know where Mt.Everestis?,the talllest mountain in
the world?

The student said:
I am sorry teacher,i don’t know where it is.

The teacher said angrily:
You fool ,”stand up on the chair !!!

The obident student stood up on the chair in the astonishing
manner and said:
Teacher,”can i see Mt.Everest by standing in the chair???????”

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, “You bitch!” And the mom screamed,
“You bastard!” And the little boy said, “Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???” And the parents replied “Um…ladies and
gentlemen.” And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said “Nice
tits!” And the mom, “Nice dick!” And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, “Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???” “Um…hats
and coats.” And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad’s elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) “Shit!” He bellowed.
“Daddy what does that mean???” “Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I’m using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing.” And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. “Fuck!” She
hollered and the little boy said , “Mommy, what does that
mean???” “Um, it means I’m cutting the turkey.”

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: “Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad’s up stairs whipping the shit off
of his face and mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”