Category: dirty jokes

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “MAN, That is the ugliest baby I’ve EVER seen!”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Hey! He’s a public servant and he shouldn’t say things to insult the passengers.”
“You’re right!” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey!”

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo..”Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo…”Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. “Ya screw one little goat . . . “

Have you ever seen Hellen Kellers house?

Neither has she.

Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?

Toss in your laundry.

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.

Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.

“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”

Dr. Jones nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”

The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets.

So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

There were three friends, one a smoker, one a gay and the other a drinker. They felt ill and went to the Doctor but the doctor told them they will die on their next plague in any of the above activities.
They went out on day and the drinker said he cant stay away from drinking so he just dashed to a drinking bar and did good to himself after which he died.
The smoker and the gay were taking a stroll and the smoker saw a piece of cigarrete on the ground and tried bending to pick it up.
Gay: \’Hey Hey Hey, Dont Bend else we will all Die\’
Sammie

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?

A: Michael Jackson

What is grosser than gross?Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”

The second man said, “My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”

The third man said, “My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis