Category: dirty jokes

A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.”Oh, sherry by all means!” she replied.”Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I’m carried into another world.””Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”

Once there was a kid who loves to kill people. He found Ahouse full of people. He said oh this is a good place to kill these people. Little did he know these people were really stupid. So that night he sneak in the house. hes was in the daughters room she was sleeping. When he went over there she woke up and said stop you are scaring me. Then the kid got hes knife and kill her. After that he went in the family room and saw the rest of the family. When they saw him they all said stop you are scaring me. Then the child got his knike and kill them all. Told you they were stipid Haha

One day timmy and jane were in the woods and timmy oulled his pants down and jane asked “whats that?”

Timmy says “I dont know?”

Then Jane pulls her pants down and timmy asks “whats that?”

She says “I dont know?” so they said Lets find out.

So timmy goes home and asks his dad what that was and his dad replies thats your tricycle when ever u get a chance park it in a girls garage.

Then Jane asks her mom, “whats that?” her mom replies, thats ur garage dont ever let a boy park his tricycle in it.

So they both meet up in the woods and timmy says this is my tricycle and jane says this is my garage.

Later that day jane goes home and she is covered in blood and hr mom says “jane what happened?”

Jane replies dont worry mom this isnt my blood, timmy tried parking his tricycle in my garage so i ripped his back wheels off.

There was a little boy called jimmy who was 1 year old and his grandma and grandad were coming for lunch.his dad was in the kichen with jimmy carving the chicken jimmy asked him what he was doing his dad cut him self and said shit. so jimmy went up stairs to his mum who was her make up jimmy asked her what she was doing she went wrong and said fuck.jimmy went down stairs for a while.About half an hour later his mum and dad were having a aguement his dad called his mum a bitch so she called him a bastard.After that his dad was putting up the coats jimmy asked him what he was doing the coats fell down and he sai crap.The doorbell rang jimmy awnsered and said hello bitches and basterds may i take your crap mums up stairs fucking and dads down stairs stairs shitting

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

“This is Chet,” he said, “and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.” Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer’s face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

“He needs warming up,” he said. “Lend me your cigarette lighter.”
The storekeeper lifted Chet’s left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

“That’s fantastic,” said the customer.

“And listen to this,” said the storekeeper, warming Chet’s other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

“Wrap him up,” said the customer, “I’ll take him!”

When he got home he greeted his wife: “Honey, I can’t wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.”

He unwrapped Chet’s cage and showed the bird to his wife. “Now, watch and listen.”

He raised Chet’s left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet’s right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

“Let me try it,” said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!”

Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking
his dick.

One man said, “I sure wish I could do that.”

The other replied,
“You can, but you’re probably going to have to pet him first.”

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), “Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don’t we take off our panties so’s we be cool” Eloise says, “Oh, I don’t know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed”.

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, “Eloise, honey, I just can’t stand this heat. We jess got’s to take off our panties so’s we be cool”? And Eloise says, “Mary Jane , I juss can’t, I’d be too embarrassed”. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, “Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc’h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I’ll bet she be cool.”

And Mary Jane says, “Less go axe her.” So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, “Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc’h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool”?

And the woman says, “Honey child… I don’t no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon”!

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: “I’ve been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It’s the worst suppository I’ve ever used.” Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up. New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up. For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the dead! The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls. It’s been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great — but you look like Don King, afterward. A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two ‘hardened criminals’. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code. Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems – they couldn’t close his coffin lid for 3 days. Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”

The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant… He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room.

So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”

“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”

“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

One day a woman who was about 65 years old wanted to get a tatoo. She went to the nearest tatoo parlor and told the man the she wanted one tatoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and one of Evander Holyfield on the other. The man said to the woman that he wasn’t sure if he could do that, but he would try. So the woman said ok and went to the back with the man. It was a long process. When it was finally finished the woman lifted up her skirt and asked the man, “Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?””Not really,” said the man, “But it looks ok.”The woman was very pleased and walked out of the tatoo parlor. When she walked out she asked a younger man if the tatoos on her thighs loked like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. The man replied with a yeah sort of. Next the woman saw and older man. She went up to him and lifted up her skirt and asked him, “Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?”The man said, “No, but the one in the middle looks like Don King.”

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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