Category: dirty jokes

A woman walks into a doctor’s surgery with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.He says, ‘This is too big a job for me.’ So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says, ‘This is no problem.’Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.Gus stops what he’s doing, looks up and says, ‘You know lady, it’s people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.’

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.

He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canap�s the young man realized that he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped.
‘Spot,’ called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.

‘Spot,’ she cried out sharply.

I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.

‘Spot,’ shrieked the mother, ‘get over here before he shits on you.’

Ever play “Call Girl Roulette”? You have your choice
of six call girls. . . one of them’s writing a book.

what is the diffeance between will young and a dishwasher

they both have knobs

A man and his wife went to the doctor’s office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, ”What?” Again, the doctor said, ”I need a blood, urine and feces sample.” The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: ”Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!”

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?

CHUCK.

Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.”Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf,” her mother explained.”He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.””Ok, I will mother.”red assured her.While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.”Little Red Riding Hood! I’m going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!”Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hood’s little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hood’s little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolf’s head and says, “Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!”

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.”That’s nothing,” said the manager, “you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!”

your family is so poor that when i droped a cigarate in your house you said clap your hands stomp your feet praise the lord that we have heat.

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.”It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.” “That’s very sensible, sir.” At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.”Get my brown pants.”

A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”

The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.”

“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”

“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

“Then what?” says the distraught man.

“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Don’t have sex with her!”

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.”How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.”Crutches???” the doctor asked.”Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”