Category: dirty jokes

a met a guy with a big butt
his name is mini
and on that big butt
was a very big spot
and on that spot
was a very big hair
and on that hair
was a very big crab
and on that crab
was a very big nose
and on that nose was a very big snot
and on that snot was a very big
BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Two nuns were riding their bikes along a cobbled street.

One turned to the other and said,”I’ve never come this way before!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing and Curtis

(Q.)What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

(A.)They both can smell it but can’t taste it.

there are 2 lesbians and 2 gay guys leaving on a trip. who makes it to the destination first?
the 2 lesbians.
why?
because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys were still at home packing their shit.

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men’s Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?”

What do cannibals use to freshen their breath? Men-tos

There’s this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and screams: “I want a woman, I wanna fuck!” “Welcome” , says the owner, ” We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30.” “She’s wonderful”, says the cowboy ,” but I don’t have so much” “No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your underwear!” “She’s pretty, but I don’t have so much.” “No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand ’til morning!” “She’s nice, but I don’t’ have…” “How much the fuck you have?” “Er…a quarter!” “All right: room 22, upstairs.” The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and asks the owner: “I…I think I’ve got a problem.” “What about?” “Well, you know the young lady in room 22…I was having fun on her, and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass…” “Oh, shit! John !”, screams the owner to his butler, ” go change the corpse in room 22: it’s full again!! “

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy’s mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, “Listen son, don’t go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they’ve got teeth down there.”

The boy listened intently to his father’s advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father’s advice and shies away.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. “Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there” replied the young man.

“Of course we haven’t got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like.”

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he’s poking around, examining the lady’s most private parts.

“Hmmmm. I don’t see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums.”

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. “Hey pal, is something wrong?”

“Yeah,… I’m really depressed”

“Why, what’s the matter?”

“I caught my wife in bed with my best friend”

“Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?”

“I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing it’s over”

“That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?”

“I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”

There were three Roosters… a straight rooster, a retarded rooster and a gay rooster.

The straight rooster says cockeldoodeldoo.

The retarded rooster says doodledoodlecock, and the gay rooster says anycockeldoo!

A woman walks into a doctor’s surgery with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.He says, ‘This is too big a job for me.’ So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says, ‘This is no problem.’Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.Gus stops what he’s doing, looks up and says, ‘You know lady, it’s people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.’