Category: dirty jokes

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night. They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire “What can I getcha?” The 1st vampire says “I’ll have a beer, please” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender asks the 2nd vampire “What would you like?” The vampire replies “A beer please.” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire “Sir, what can I get you?” and the 3rd vampire replies “A cup of hot water please.” The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, “What are you gonna do with that hot water?” The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says “Hot tea, it’s chilly out!”

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs up to them, two had a stroke and the other one wasn`t quick enough.

Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.

Jill went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex.The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed.Jill replied “Oh doctor, I can’t… my dog’s breath is just murder.”

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?The answer is below, but think about it first…?????????????????????????????????Answer: Don’t look down.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t commin’!

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: “WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!”

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: “A child who doesn’t eat right doesn’t get toys!!!”

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.

The anti-gay mayor of Spokane, Washington, has taken a leave of absence from his job after allegations that he offered city jobs to men he met in a gay chat room.

…One of the guys he offered a job to is the former governor of New Jersey.

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!”He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”