Category: dirty jokes

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Shit” said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they’ll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while he’s at the bank getting the money. But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. “Shove them up you ass,” orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. “You’re free to go,” the farmer says to him, “but do you mind if I ask what’s so damn funny?” Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, “The third guy’s still out there, picking “Watermelons.”

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him – “Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they’re
18.”

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

A man went to his therapist one week dressed in nothing but plastic wrap.

His therapist just stared at him with a look of shock and stated, “Now, i can really see your nuts!”

“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.””That’s a shame.”said his friend , “How did it happen?””She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says ” it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.”

The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have a bull!”

Q:What do you call a fat person on o toilet?

A:Nothing,you would die when you entered the house!

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?

2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

Q:WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHERA:ILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH 🙂

Why was piglit looking in the toilet? looking for Winne the pooh

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him. “Goddammit,” said the man, “get your damn thumb out of my food!'”Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.” “Why don’t you just shove it up your ass?” the man said angrily.”That’s what I do when I’m in the kitchen.”