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A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?”
“Ask you what?” replied the trucker. “If I’m a boy or a girl,” answered the youth.
“Don’t matter,” replied the trucker. “Gonna fuck ya anyway.”
One day there was two children playing doctor. A girl and a boy. The boy liftes his shirt and points at his nipples and said “I’ve got two of these, how about you?”So the little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy showed her his belly button. And the girl showed him hers. The little boy now getting upset, pulls dowm his drawers and points at his penis. The little girl pulled up her skirt and pushed her underwear to the side, but she searched and searched see couldn’t find it. The little boy taunted her for about 5 minutes, then the girl ran home. Soon enough she returned to the boy’s house and said ” My mommy told me when I’m 15 years old, I could have has much of those as I want!”
12. Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
11. Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”
10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
8. “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
6. Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.
5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.
4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.
3. Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.
2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, “Do you have Viagra?””Yes,” he answered.She asked, “Does it work?””Yes,” he answered.”Can you get it over the counter?” she asked.”I can if I take two,” he answered.
How did the mother know her daughter was masterbating during her period?She was caught red-handed.
A man was in a bad accident and was injured but the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.
However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
He realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.
“Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?”
“You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have ears!
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind
a tree.
“Ah-ha!” the wolf said, “Now I’ve got you. And I’m going to eat
you!”
“Eat! Eat! Eat!” Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. “Damn it!
Doesn’t anybody fuck anymore?”
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee
break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”
Once upon a time two men had been sitting in a bar drinking for a considerable time and had started to become a wee bit inebriated and argumentative.
They argued about football, politics, women and so on. Eventually after more drinks they started arguing about a real guy thing, as to which of them had the largest pecker.
The barman was starting to get a bit irritated at all the ruckus the men were creating, but because he was used to this type of thing, said to them,
“Look, if you’ll just cut out the noise, I’ll be the judge of this argument.
Lay your peckers on the bar and I’ll tell you which is the biggest.”
The two men agreed to this and so they proudly laid their peckers on the bar. Just as the barman was about to give his decision, a gay fellow came in and walked up to the bar.
The barman told the two guys to wait a minute and turning to the gay chap said “What can I get you?”
The gay chap looked down at the bar and said, “Well I was just going to have a beer, but now I think I’ll have a bit of the buffet!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. ”What the hell is this?” he asks the pastor. ”Why, it’s a toilet brush.” ”Ooh, I see,” says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. ”Well, it’s okay, but I think I’ll go back to using paper.”
Little Catherine had justed turned five, so her mother decided to
learn her about the facts of life. So one day Catherine asked how
babies were made. Her mother then said that to make babies Catherine’s
father must first place his penis in Catherine’s mother’s vagina.
“Oh,” said Catherine, “last night as I went to the bathroom you
had daddy’s penis in your mouth. Did you make any babies that
way?”
“No,” answered her mother, “that’s how mommy gets her jewelry…..”
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a
tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the
good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is
the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the
missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a
black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who
has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what s been
going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an albino. Look to thy
yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black
one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say
anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white baby.”