He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in the alleyway and get it on. I’ve got fifteen bucks.”She says, “FIFTEEN bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you LOOK at it.”They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets out his lighter.He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic hair… it’s so curly and thick… it’s BEAUTIFUL.”She says, “Thank you.”He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”She says, “Go ahead.”He says, “Can you PEE through all that hair?”She says, “Of course.”He says, “Well, you better start. You’re on fire.”
Category: dirty jokes
The Granny Shag Inquiry.
Q: What is blue and shags old ladys?
A: Me in my lucky blue overcoat.
Dead beaver
What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common?
They are both looking for dead beaver!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Black and fuzzy
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: An Amateur Theatre electrician
Mustard — A Tragic
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. ”Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, ”Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon.”’
3 Gays And A Woman
Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the street? Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did her hair.
Hellen Keller List
Q: Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
A: Her dog is blind also.
Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.
Q: Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
A: She needed the other hand to moan.
Q: What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
A: She screamed her hands off!
You’ve seen the Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.
Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men’s room and the ladies room?
She feels her way around.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: Answering the iron.
Q: How did she burn her other ear?
A: They called back.
Q: Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away?
A: You’d run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw.
(make strange noise)
Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
So her friends could read her lips.
How did Helen Keller break her hand?
Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.
HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
ANSWER: BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!
How did Helen Keller drive her car?
One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date!
What’s Helen Keller’s idea of oral sex?
A Manicure.
How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
Answering the stapler.
What was Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Velcro.
Why didn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
She was wearing gloves.
What was Helen Keller’s speech impediment?
Calluses.
How did Helen Keller’s teachers punish her for talking in class?
They made her wear mittens.
Why didn’t Helen Keller change her baby’s diaper?
So she could always find him.
Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
Trying to read the stucco walls.
How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
She shouted hysterically.
Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
It was hell on the seeing eye dog!
What goes (“CLICK” is that it? “CLICK” is that it? “CLICK” is that it?)?
Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.
Seen Stevie Wonder’s new video?
He hasn’t either.
On Fred’s 86th
On Fred’s 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred’s 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.”What do you mean you don’t want me to do it any more”, she said baffled by his actions.”I just don’t want you to hold me anymore”, replied Fred.”Why, is there someone else”?”Actually there is,” Fred shamefully admitted.”Well what does she have that I don’t have”?”Parkinsons”, replied Fred.
Dog in the park
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”
Fingered first
One day a man goes to his doctors and says “Doctor I got raped by an elephant and it ripped my arsehole 10″ wide”
“No way,” says the doctor, “Bend over and let me see”
So the man bends over and sure enough his arsehole is 10″ wide.
“But I thought an elephants dick was long and thin,” said the doctor.
“It is,” said the man, ” but the bastard fingered me first!”
Dont Eat Bananas
There was these three guys, an asian, black and white guy.
They were driving on the highway when all of a sudden their car stopped. They spotted a house and a barn and decided to go and ask the owner if they could stay in the barn for the night.
The owner said “yeah but you can’t eat any of my bananas.”
So, they went to the barn and went to sleep. At about 2:00 AM they were so hungry they had to eat some bananas.
The owner found out they did, so he went out to the barn and said “ok, since you did this I want you to go out in the fruit patch and pick three of your favorite fruits and they have to be the same.”
So they did and the white guy got done first and he picked strawberries.
The owner said “Stick them up your butt.” So he did.
The asian guy got done next and he picked blueberries.
He came up to the owner and the owner said “Stick them up your butt.” so he did.
They both started laughing and the owner said “What are you laughing about?”
They both said “The black man’s picking watermelons!”
Milking The Cows
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says ” it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.”The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have a bull!”