More rope

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parent’s house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.

While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, “What are they doing?”

He says, “They’re making love.”

“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asked.

“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.

“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked.

He says, “Those are his knots.”

She says, “Oh, OK, I got it.”

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Diving

A deep-sea diver is diving when he sees another guy with no scuba gear.

He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment follows him down, with the weirdest swimming style hes ever seen

He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, “How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?”

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, “You asshole, I’m drowning.”

Colonel Asshole

The Sergeant had a Colonel who was an absolute ass. So before the next inspection, the Sergeant cleaned the toilet in the barracks very carefully, and then floated a dab of peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper.The Colonel proceeded with inspection, came to the toilet and screamed, “Sergeant that Looks Like SHIT”.The Sergeant leaned carefully over the toilet, inhaled and said well maybe…. then leaned over picked up the peanut butter and put it in his mouth and said, “Colonel, you’re right because it does indeed TASTE like shit”.

7 Days To Go

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. “Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how’s about a quick screw?” said Bert. Mabel’s answer as expected was, “No Bert, it’s only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.”The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, “It is still 5 days to go and as you’ve been a good fellow,I’ll let you have a little feel of your prize.”It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, “I can see what your problem is but you’ve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.”Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel’s skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, “Mabel, do you think it will keep ’till Saturday?!?”

Door-to-door

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they’ll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while he’s at the bank getting the money. But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. “Shove them up you ass,” orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. “You’re free to go,” the farmer says to him, “but do you mind if I ask what’s so damn funny?” Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, “The third guy’s still out there, picking “Watermelons.”